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The Moon's Great Choice

The moon is blind,
As it sits silent
And unmoving in,
The everlasting night.

And below him
Stands my ocean
At slackwater
The same.

Awaiting the command,
Of his wax or his wane,
Determining the fate
Of my transatlantic deep.

One way will unleash it,
The booming voice of this blue,
Setting free it's tempest;
To lay seige unto the rocks.

Then it's influence shall spread,
from coastline and to shore,
And with the barricades broken
The land and sea become one.

The other will recede mine,
Pulling it back into the squall.
Where ignorant it will be to
The wonderous joining it could have caused.

But it's his choice to decide;
Be it forward or be it back,
And the decision will live,
In infamy shaping my world for on and on.
— Kieran Nelson, Mar 05, 2008

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KN

Kieran Nelson

18 years 3 months ago

Any particular reason why?

Any particular reason why? Any help is much appreciated! Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

18 years 3 months ago

Hello,

You held my interest all the way through this interesting piece. The only problems I had were with: "of his wax or of his wane" I think it would read more smoothly as: Of his wax or wane (less is more) and: "from coastline and to shore" drop the and. Also, "be it forward or be it back" I would change to: be it forward or back. This is only a suggestion of course. Other than those minor things, I think it is perfect and I enjoyed the read. Cat
KN

Kieran Nelson

18 years 3 months ago

Thanks Cat, I had a look at

Thanks Cat, I had a look at what you said and I donno, I think the flow of the peice would be stuttered if the words were taken out. I put them in to make it work better. What I have done however is change the punctuation of those lines, I don't think you read them the same as me and that how it may not work. I may still be wrong, so please bear with me, any other suggestions from anyone else would help to. Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week
B

bayoujeanette

18 years 3 months ago

The Moon's Great Choice

I think is is very well written and enjoyed much. Jeanette
O

orgami

18 years 3 months ago

moon sitting

the basic form is good on this but i feel it stiff in regards to action or passion its rather a calm amost detached notation of the moon perhaps thats your meter of this event i realize that a lot is going on "tempest on the rocks" etc but like the first Poet wrote its lacking a certian "bite" not completely sure why O
P

purplemoondoll

18 years 2 months ago

The revisions have brought

The revisions have brought this poem to life - I liked it before, now its awesome. Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.