Solace

Solace Sunlight without windows Posts without walls Ceiling meeting floor below, The dust, melts the air. The shrivelled bodies Of what once were logs Have been spat, from out the hearth. And from that place Flows a black sea of bile Which has covered, And corrupted it all. Down Down there, in a corner, Under now but stained rag; Lay the ruins of purity Converted now, to but cold, hard ash, Which will soon be spurned; Lost upon the cold spring breeze. And there, untouched: stands a small red chair

— Kieran Nelson, Mar 04, 2008

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Critiques

eric ashford

18 years 3 months ago

Nicely descriptive poem but

Nicely descriptive poem but you tend to exaggerate in parts. Subtle is best. Better you just show the scene and let the reader feel the emotion you hint at. Good job, needs some tweaking. All the best eric

Kieran Nelson

18 years 3 months ago

Hi Eric, thanks for the

Hi Eric, thanks for the comments, could you give me an example of the exaggeration so I can go back over it? Sorry I just wrote it tonight so however many times I look at it, I'm blind to it's failings. Thanks Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week

eric ashford

18 years 3 months ago

Its the sharpness of some of

Its the sharpness of some of the the phrases. "black sea of bile" when you are simply talking of soot or ash. Yes I know we can imagine all sorts of things and attribute all sorts of associations to what we see, but should we? The metaphor we use should feel right. The use of the word "corrupt" seems out of place when talking of simple soot or dirt. Muck and debre don't corrupt, they cover and mask or bury. To imply a corruption is to use a too organic a term unless we are talking of actual flesh. I am not too comfortable with the use of "spurned' either. Its a human action that does not sit easily in any talk of elemental things like ash and wind. Must add though that apart from these niggles I think the poem is very good. All the best eric