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Journey to Find the Maiden Fair

leaving the sweltering offal

of the heat

we encounter

grassy glades of undulating landscapes,

covered with soft,feathery foliage,

leafless and thorny,the acacia tree,

with dark boughs and vast black trunks,

 

bunches of lavender fruit,

like grapes hanging

from the highest branches

of the tallest trees,

 

 then we heard

the thunderous roars

of the mighty waterfall

that rains down 

in thundering gouts of white foam

into the swirling green pools

at the foot of the vessal of life,

 

after toiling for a bit

we ventured forth

until the land began to sway

and encompassed all the earth,

 

there were golden savannahs,

paridisal oasis',

and rivers that crawled like dark serpents,

the misty horizon gleamed like molten fire,

 
the girl waif

was there to greet us

as if we were expected,

we sat humbly in the cloud gardens,

the olive groves

and the orchards

all meticulously tended,

the statues inlaid with ivory,

arcane symbols with sonorous tones,

 diverse and complex,
 

we perched ourselves

in a common-place abode,

the ethereal luminance

of the full , magical moon endured,

it descended,

it enchanted,

it weaved a magic spell,

 

charming and enigmatic

was the emaciated waif.

The timid inquisitor.

She was precocious and kind,

 she was trusted and beloved by us,

but demented were her guardians,


with our help

she gathered her courage,

defied,

and shunned

their unpalatable truth,

 

their eminent undoing

was their archaic inadaquacy,

and hurtful blandishments,
 

at their immutable obstinacy,

 all her anger and frustration,

abounded forth from her,

 she'd had enough,

she was no longer their slave girl,

but ,a woman,with thoughts and a mind,

and under our gentle instruction,

A true lady we did find,

 

With the caked dirt scrubbed off  her body,

and a few washes of her hair,

a little meat on her skinny bones,

and we found a maiden fair.

 

 

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: New York, USA

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Comments

C

Calliope

18 years 2 months ago

sorry

it should be 'defied'.And I want to put the olive groves and orchards after 'we sat humbly in the cloud gardens' fix it later. Lacy, Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.
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poewriter58

18 years 2 months ago

If by Poe you are meaning I

There is another gent that signs his work Poe I agree with Eric in reference to titles the title is the first line your reader sees and it has to draw them in and make them want to continue reading nice work on the revisions as well very glad this creation now has a name Chrys
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poewriter58

18 years 2 months ago

very well done

This was well written and a very nice use of the words you have found it is always good to learn and expand your vocabulary now try doing something this extensive using words that are from you head see how many you can remember and their meanings it is a good exercise to test your self nicely done Chrys
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poewriter58

18 years 2 months ago

now

You have written this lovely work wouldn't you like to give your creation a name? look in the body find it Sorry but in my opinion a poem without a title is like a child without a name Chrys
C

Calliope

18 years 2 months ago

I agree

I was a little tipsy last night and i couldn't think anymore to name it .I think titles are the most important part.it is what catches the eye.Any suggestions are always appreciated,but I'll think on it too.Thanks again I'm glad you liked it. Lacy, Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.
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poewriter58

18 years 2 months ago

how about

Painting With Words or Word paintings Or Words for The Senses Or Words To Color a Life something along those lines
E

eric ashford

18 years 2 months ago

My problem with this is

My problem with this is that it has no past. By which i mean it just spins a thread of a story-line without hinting at a greater context to the narrative. Which gives it a surface glitter but no real depth. Its also over-written and very decorative IMO. Lots to like lacy but it does not, on the whole, work for me. All the best erc
C

Calliope

18 years 2 months ago

just revised

if you want to tell me what you think. Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.
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eric ashford

18 years 2 months ago

Good to see you got a title

Good to see you got a title for this Lacy because titles can be the first step on the poems journey. They give the reader a clue before they start with the poem. Sometimes that clue can make all the difference in how they perceive and respond to the words. The poem itself makes more a journey also, for we now have an idea of purpose and meaning. I still have some reservations about the flowery descriptive language, but this is a better poem. If it were mine I would be looking for ways to cut down all unnecessary verbiage. When I say it is "overwritten" I am not talking of the overall length of the poem but in its overuse of extra words. A poem four lines long can be overwritten by one line. All the best eric
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Calliope

18 years 2 months ago

Thanx eric

Iappreciate your helpful suggestions and its still a work in progress.Iwill keep you informed so you can add your opinion.Thanks again. Lacy, Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.
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eric ashford

18 years 2 months ago

My pleasure. Its good not

My pleasure. Its good not to be told to take a hike. LOL eric
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Calliope

18 years 2 months ago

So how do you like it now?

I would love to hear you and Poe's advice on the revision.tell me what ya'll think ok?Appreciated. Lacy, Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.