Monastery

Keith, congrats on your place in the contest, Mark

Keith, I agree with Meic on your piece. Since this is a place I am not likely to visit, I too enjoyed being transported to the ambience and general feel of your poem. Excellent work! And anyway...isn't poetry all "show and tell" in some form or fashion?? Sometimes show-sometimes tell...sometimes you feel like a nut- sometimes you don't!! p.s. As for editing your piece, when I am finished writing a piece, I edit and re-edit (usually) and each time I may find something that I missed previously. You may want to edit(or re-edit) but as a whole, it's an amazing piece and I personally enjoyed the heck out of it! Cheers, Theresa

Thank you for 'taking me there' - the imagery and atmosphere you created are excellent. I agree with ladytheresa, the ambience you created is excellent. I really really enjoyed reading this. Don't change too much if you decide to re-edit. It works well for me as it stands. Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

Allow me to give my congratulations as well. Always, Cat

I like this poem very much--wonderfully apt imagery throughout! I must confess that line 2's gentle pun "old habits" sticks with me most.

Keith this poem evokes many feelings for me... which is what a great poem does,, I have to agree the ambiance in this poem is great.. I was drawn in by the imagery throughout.. I have never been to a monastery.. But I have read many things about them.. This poem certainly paints a picture and I felt as though I was there seeing it through your eyes.. I think this poem is Wonderful.. And it flows smoothly.. BrownEyesBlue

Oh man, that just dripped history and dogma and place--I was in that monastery right beside you, it's now a memory of mine as well. Incredible! And then you moved it further, pontificated, brought in mother Earth, natural belief, evolution of belief--and at its base, a deep, deep respect for all you saw, what your realized, and the shared humanity that binds us. Thank you for allowing me to read your work.

Liked some of it, i liked all of it , i thought one was suppose to look at work through questioning eyes-Even if you were to try to alter some of this poem Keith it may loose a lot of its brilliant ambience, d'ont do it, i retract therefore keith, i apologise for confusing you let alone myself.This poem is a gem Keith , and the monastery had a great effect on you , that is good- Regards pink

I agree that the message is powerful (or were you actually referring to the monastery?) and when reading it, one really does feel the contrast between the inside and outside. I liked that there was no ambiguity and that i was not left guessing. Thanks

No its not your fault, it is confusing , i was told in poetry you should leave out all small words like on , in, and-and if you did not like this tough, it is good advice, Don Paterson said it? I have now looked into this ,for example Sylvia Plath uses a lot, a hell of a lot of small words in her poetry and her poetry is great to the extreme ,it is clever without being turgid, for example. I thought you had a sense of humour Keith when you put it 4 bites of the cherry and I'm still confused , this made me laugh- then i saw the unfunny side of it, it cost me a £1 to get this advice , it is bad enough just to be confused without paying money for it-pink

Great poem. However, I found the 2nd stanza to be a little too... hmm. Not sure. Too abstract perhaps. Maybe someone else could be more articulate, if they felt the same about it. The rest of it is really based in images, whereas that stanza doesn't do much for me. The poem gets a tad rambling near the end, too. Didn't specifically like the "more certain heat of life's essential flame." The "life's essential" made it too literal and conventional. I did like "whose knowledge of the hidden self groans into emptiness." Groaning into emptiness is lovely - groaning seems to fill the emptiness with something that is more solid than a mere sound. Thumbs up.

I don't give a rat's ass about form or structure,showing or telling,although I thought it was show and tell,lol,if it speaks to you it speaks to you ,and this piece definately spoke to me,as meic said ,of a place I'm not likely to visit,it gave me a picture of words,telling me what it was like,to you.Thanks. Lacy, Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.

ngaio c.beck As a bit of literary amusement some of the imagery is fairly interesting.Bearing in mind that English is not my mother tongue,I'm afraid I find in substance this piece smacks of cliched humanistic drivel. Sorry Old Chap!

I lived in a monastery for a week when I was twelve. It was fairly modern and we had to walk past the monk's rooms to get to our own. Wonderful experiences there, I would love to return with my adult perspective, as I was often frightened walking down the hallway in the dark of night to go to bed! xxx Lisa~

For example could the words and, the, of be left out in 2nd stanza , also an &with simply leave some out and /or replace with more meaningful words.I feel you need to leave out many of the small words in this poem in, of etc.I'm sorry that i can't give you an example of a more meaningful word - pinksheep-sorry i'm not very bright.

On thinking more it is not possible or necessary to leave out all small words.For example in surrounded by the pictures could the be replaced by an adjective? pink

an adjective be placed after the word pictures? so not to spoil poetic flow-lesley

if you were to add more adjectives does not necessarily matter if before or after the noun ,or whatever-pink-sorry that i am confused

Great, great great!!

I agree with Janice this is a great poem, I like also the way Janice describes the impact this poem had on her ,i could not have put this better myself pink

please excuse bad spelling pink

Hi Keith, this is such a great work. The first I been able to read in a week or so due to a nasty bronchitis but all is well:) Your poem brings me to a monestary on the edge of town. They would decorate it rather extensively around the holidays until it became a destination when they stopped giving us a show. Still a beautiful building and grounds I am absorbed everytime I pass by it. Good luck, and ya aught let us know a bit about yourself in your profile:) Truly, Mark

An interesting and in parts a well written poem however, it really does not break any new ground for me. Its main problem is that it is so Telling in parts. Instead of Showing the reader, the poet narrates and 'tells" the reader, thus the poem gets lost in its intellectual pointing. All the best eric

for your entry. Good luck! Mark W.

This is such a well written poem but i felt at times that your point was not subtle enough. Thanks for your entry candice

I really enjoyed reading this poem it is very professional, I wish I could say something more poetic in my comment. I d'ont know what my other comments above were about, this poem has great grace a fluid charm.

Well you gave my something to do tonight I havent had the pleasure of reading this one ... But this time I have to say I've found a piece that speaks to my soul :) I know im not usually too long winded but I have nothing but time at the moment and I'm going to give this one the treatment it deserves ... For some obscure reason when I read this it was like a movie , moving from frame to frame The first stanza leaves me with so many images of those little men in their robes silently and reverently going about their day ... The dwindling keepers of an artisaned leviathan I loved these lines .... I think you know me well enough to know why ... I am much jealous I didn't think of them first ... hahaha but least im honest ... We hear the echo’s hollow call in practised words of ancient chant, and flickering shadow and this was my other favourite couple of lines , I often listen to music from tibet to meditate ... I am strange bird but this is simply my favourite of yours now ... one day I would love to visit a real monastery in europe ... I just love the quiet and the peace of such places I guess .... Much love and regard Jayne x x