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weirdelf
weirdelf
Feb 18, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Aloft in the past

 

Scattered like dust,

as whole as the air,

my past is not chasing me,

a net of despair.

Instead I have found it,

or I have been found

by many of its branches

holding me from the ground.

 

Not all of it is blood,

not all of it is tears,

there is plenty of love

to abate all my fears.

 

It's taken a while

and it's been oh so hard

to no longer be broken,

a sharp edged lost shard

flung round remorselessly,

getting hurt, causing harm,

for once I am glad

I can't see the end.

 


— weirdelf, Feb 18, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The Romantics, The Mersey Sound, The Beats and, of course, The Bard

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Critiques

KN

Kieran Nelson

18 years 3 months ago

Hiya, I thought the whole

Hiya, I thought the whole poem was great until the last line, it's reads like an anticlimax. I didn't care for it, but if that's what you meant, then well done! :D everything else was awesome, jsut some thoughts. Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 3 months ago

thanks Kieran,

I agree with you, it lacks punch. Any ideas? The meaning is what I mean but it could be expressed more strongly. The rest needs a bit of pruning too, I think. cheers, Jess
O

orgami

18 years 3 months ago

like the title

and like the poems short content i agree that something more could have been left off at the ending im like what the??? but still a good poem
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 3 months ago

thanks man

I think I'm going to have to come back to this one later for editing. cheers, Jess
themoonman

themoonman

18 years 3 months ago

Hi Jess...

You asked for suggestions...IMHO, my usual net of despair and the last line, I am at the end..but it wouldn't say what you are trying to say with, I can't see the end..which I like but it doesn't go with the rest of the poem..but hey..I loved the title. Glad to see ya back...
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 3 months ago

thanks moonman

what I was trying to say was that I used to regard death with anticipation, a release from worldly woes, but now I want to live, so don't see the end so clearly. This poem clearly requires work. cheers, Jess
G

gumpymonkey

18 years 2 months ago

a direction for your true intent.

the whole first 2 stanzas sell it. the branches holding you up above the grave imagery is stellar. let us see if we can get you thinking about the end as a final nail pulled out of an accidentally sealed coffin. it is also important for you to note/decide whether you feel this new found appreciation for life is a state of permanence and enlightenment for your soul, or simply a routine roller coaster riding across decades of experience, events, epiphanies, joy, and pain. "a sharp edged lost shard flung round remorselessly, getting hurt, causing harm, finally showering shamelessly in each days warm charm." Is this the message you are trying to communicate? Keep working! I hope this motivates you to go back to the drawing board. Daniel
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks daniel

The piece you quoted is true. I am also a kind and generous man. The comflit is part of what Iwill work oncheers, Jess
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years ago

Aloft in the past

Jess, "my past is not chasing, not a net of despair" - one too many "not's" rather knotted my attention there. "it's blood" and "it's tears" - you mean the possessive, I assume - lose the apostrophes or it's "it is" Those are the only places that snag my attention from the emotion of the piece. Like others, I feel that the ending leaves and empty space, but you mentioned editing. I'll wait to see what happens with that. Always my best, Ronda