Heaven's Streets

Up At 5:30 Before The Sun
On With Pt Gear, Out For A Run
We Train For The Day We Will
Be Called To Defend
None Of Us Knowing For Sure
Just How It Will End
Rifles Is Hand And Gear On Our Back
We Walk Through The Jungle
Looking For The Attack
The Smell Of Camp Fires Flow Through The Air
You Know The Enemy Is Not Far Gone From Here
Your Heart Beats As Loud A Drum
In A Marching Band
18 Years Old And In A Foriegn Land
You Put Your Trust In The Men Of Your Team
It's Up To Them If You Walk Out Alive
Or Are Carried Out Dead
I Came Home, Not All Did
To All My Brothers, I Bid You Peace
You're Now In Charge Of Heaven's Streets

— One, Feb 07, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: UK, GBR

Favorite Poets: Candlewitch, Eddy Styx, Ziggy

Critiques

Kieran Nelson

18 years 4 months ago

I like, but there's a however

Nice sentiment in the poem and I like ending, it's a nice image. However (there's always one isn't there), there's a few things I can't help but pick up on. The language within the poem seems overused and somewhat lazy, especially "your heart beats as loud as a drum". I'm sure you could come up with better metaphor. I think it has potential to be really good if you maybe went over it again and made some amendments. One other thing is that the pacing and rhythm of the poem seems to fall apart at the line "The smell of camp.." I think the rythym would be saved if you split that and the following line both in half. Just some ideas, if you wanna discuss it more, or think i'm talking rubbish and should leave your work well alone, send me a message. Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week