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frangipangi
Jan 28, 2008 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

Haiku

Smile lit with gold

earth's eye winks goodbye

day over day gone

— frangipangi, Jan 28, 2008
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Critiques

weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 1 month ago

This works,

haiku attempts to combine nature with human feeling. You succeeded. cheers, Jess
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years ago

I really can't fault this

it has two very unusual things for a haiku, the internal rhyme in the second line and the repetition in the 3rd. mmm... have you considered... just maybe, adding "by" as the last word? Not sure about it myself, it would be pretty wildly variant from haiku, the rhyme and extra rhyme/repetition, but see what you think. cheers, Jess
Mark

Mark

18 years ago

Fran I suggest starting with the basics

first line is 5 syllables second line is 7 syllables third line is 5 syllables Make it all about nature this is the fundamental haiku :) In your attempt here a smile refers to humans usually and this would make it a combination of haiku and senryu also your syllable count is off as you have 4 6 5 the basic haiku can be a lot of fun really. if you can find a way to add a philosophy to a degree then you have really made accomplishment. Keep writing :~) Mark
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frangipangi

18 years ago

Jess and mark

Thank you both for the great critique. Mark, I am glad you to be corrected about my syllable count, I am always a little unsure about that. Jess, that internal rhyme just happened, not planned nither was the the repetition, I'm going to do this over. I do not remember if Haiku can ever rhyme, well I'll look it up. You both are a great encouragment. Yours, Frangipangi Write on!
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years ago

Marks comments are spot on about traditional haiku

but it is considered ok to play pretty free and loose with the form in English because it is such a different language structurally. Kerouac even defined an "American Haiku" "The American Haiku is not exactly the Japanese Haiku. The Japanese Haiku is strictly disciplined to seventeen syllables but since the language structure is different I don't think American Haikus (short three-line poems intended to be completely packed with Void of Whole) should worry about syllables because American speech is something again...bursting to pop. Above all, a Haiku must be very simple and free of all poetic trickery and make a little picture and yet be as airy and graceful as a Vivaldi Pastorella." Jack Kerouac this would seem to exclude rhyme. Maybe you would like to experiment with the traditional as Mark describes in order to hone your skill, up to you. You have fine wordcrafting skills, I'm sure you will excel at any form you tackle. cheers, Jess
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years ago

Hi, Fran

Jess has it right about the American Haiku. You will still find a lot of diehard 5,7,5 believers out there, though. As Mark said, I think you would benefit from establishing the style through the traditional form, just to get a feel for it. Once you've done that, you'll be more comfortable to expand your own use of the structure A few notes to consider, too. Traditional Haiku deals with nature (as yours does here), or you can keep the 5,7,5 and write about a person to get a Senryu. You can also try your hand at a Tanka. Tanka is where Haiku originated; it's five lines, thirty-one syllables, broken up as five-seven-five-seven-seven. It is unrhymed and traditionally it reflects nature in a simple and succinct style. The first three lines of the Tanka is where the Haiku began. If nothing else, it is interesting to attempt new structures and spread your wings! ~ Ronda
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frangipangi

18 years ago

haiku

Ronda, thank you for the invaluable information. I am going to practice with the traditional Haiku, and expand from there. You guys are great advocates.Appreciate the help. Yours, Frangipangi Write on!

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