It's Tha Night Befor' Christmas Y'all

IT WAS THA NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND ALL THROUGH THA SHACK,
NOT A DARN THING WAS A MOVIN’ FROM THA FRONT TO THA BACK.

THA KIDS WERE IN BED, WE HAD NINE AT THA TIME,
THA WIFE IN HER CURLERS, WAS LOOKIN’ MIGHTY FINE.

A COLD WIND WAS BLOWIN’, UP THA HOLLER IT MOANED,
TEN DOGS ON THA PORCH ALL HOWLED AND GROANED.

THA BOYS WERE ALL DREAMIN’ OF WEAPONS AND GUNS,
FOR KILLIN’ GOD’S CREATURES ~~~ THERE’S NO BETTER FUN!

THA GIRLS IN THEIR FEMININE DREAMS WERE ATTUNED,
TO GETTING’ THOSE GALLONS OF WAL*MART PERFUME.

THA WIFE WANTED JEWELRY, LIKE RINGS WITH BIG ROCKS.
I JUST WANTED MY CHEVY DOWN OFF OF THEM BLOCKS.

THEN OUT IN THA YARD, SUCH A NOISE DID COMMENCE,
LIKE SOMETHIN’ WAS CAUWT IN OUR NEW BOB-WAR FENCE.

I RAN TO THA WINDER, AND SAW PURTTY QUICK,
THA MAN MAKIN’ THAT RACKET, WAS GOOD OL’ ST. NICK.

YOU MAY THINK OF SANTA IN YER OWN MIND’S EYE,
DRESSED IN A RED AND WHITE SUIT, BUT I GOT A SURPRISE.

THAT OLD BOY’S AN ARKIE, FROM UP NEAR MT. GAYLOR,
HE MARRIED HIS COUSIN, AND THEY LIVE IN A TRAILER.

ON CHRISTMAS, OF COURSE, A SLEIGH FOR HIS RIG,
HE HOOKS THA THING UP TO A RAZORBACK PIG!

HE CLIMBED ON THA ROOF, WITH HIS BAG FULL OF GOODIES,
HE BACKED DOWN THA FIREPLACE, GETTING’ DIRTY AND SOOTY.

FAT LEGS IN HIS BRITCHES, CHUBBY HANDS IN HIS MITTENS,
I MUST ADMIT FROM THA BACK, HE LOOKED LOTS LIKE BILL CLINTON.

HE TURNED TOWARD THA TREE, HIS EYES ALL AGLOW,
HE WAS AN ARKANSAS BOY FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS TOE.

HIS NECK WAS A RED ONE, HIS SHIRT SAID “LITE BEER”,
HE HAD NO RED HAT ON, BUT HIS CAP READ “JOHN DEERE”.

HE LEFT ALL THA PRESENTS, WITH AN AIR OF DELIGHT,
THEN IT WAS BACK TO TH CHIMNEY, AND INTO THA NIGHT.

HE RAN INTO THA YARD, THREW HIS BAG IN THA SLEIGH,
THEN HE YELLED AT THE DOGS, “GET THA HELL OUT TH’ WAY!”

I RAN OUT TO ASK HIM WHY HE BROUGHT SUCH GOOD CHEER;
BUT INSTEAD HE JUST ASKED ME, “YOU GET ‘CHA A DEER?”

THEN I HEARD HIM EXCLAIM, AS THOSE PIGS TOOK FLIGHT,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL ~~~ I NEED A BUD LITE”