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theladyblue
theladyblue
Dec 03, 2007 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The Wait...

Dead calm screams shake my every fiber Silence kills the nightmarish dreams of not Scarlet nails rake the inner walls of this place Leaving in their wake a need for that touch Questionable desires? I think not, love The mood is right for a hellish round of us Come into me darling...if you dare try Stroke every succulent morsel till I'm parched My blushing oyster opens only for your invasion The foray you promise is surely to be my fall Come oh sweet demise, with all myself I accept Dagger find your wound…take my flesh!
— theladyblue, Dec 03, 2007

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Country/Region: USA

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Critiques

D

DeWaal

18 years 6 months ago

Swept along

Hello Emarie I see you're very productive. Lucky you :) I chose one of your poems to comment on. Hopefully I'll be able to comment on the others as well in time. I gave your poem a very high vote because of the torrential passion that the poem exudes. Every word vibrates and thrills with genuine emotion. The frank sexuality is almost overpowering, but because it is so un-selfconscious, it is completely convincing. It sweeps the reader along in the current. Weaknesses? Possibly the first line: "Dead calm screams shake my every fiber" I know the line sets up a contrast between the control the speaker in the poem exercises - "dead calm" - and passion - "shake my every fiber". That is fine. But the word "dead" in this most life-celebrating poem seems a little out of place. The poem is everything that is opposite to death. Is there another way to describe this calm? A few minor points: "Questionable desires?." I don't think you need the period after the question mark. This line: "Dagger find your wound…….Take my flesh!" When you use the ellipses the convention is to use only three periods and a lower case on the first word after the ellipsis as it is the continuation of the sentence. "Dagger find your wound ... take my flesh! Very enjoyable poem! regards De Waal
theladyblue

theladyblue

18 years 6 months ago

lucky me!!! hehe

thanks so much for lending an editing eye to this piece De Waal!!! it is much appreciated!!! as for the term "Dead Calm" i struggled there because i wanted to show a stark contrast but this is the only term i could work out in my head. if you have any suggestions i am willing to listen!!! thanks so much again!!! <3 Emarie
D

DeWaal

18 years 6 months ago

It still revolves, said Galileo

Hello Emarie I'm glad you found my suggestions helpful. As for "Dead calm screams": the poem requires a single syllable word to preserve the rhythm. I suggest "Still". I think it is sufficiently apposite and also opposite in meaning to "screams" to serve your purpose. You also get the added benefit of a double entendre. "Still calm screams shake my every fiber". Meaning one: "Screams that are still (quiet, motionless) shake my every fiber". Meaning two: "Yet, without ending, screams shake my every fiber". For what it's worth. Kind regards De Waal
M

meic

18 years 6 months ago

“feel free to knock me on

"feel free to knock me on my back" After a poem like that such words seem superfluous ... a man could do nothing less! Unlike James Bond's martini I am both shaken and stirred by the plangent sensuality of the piece. Each fresh image reinforces and magnifies the one before up to the final totally irresistible dénouement. Hwyl fawr! Mike