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RSScheerer
RSScheerer
Oct 13, 2007 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

dusk through the window

the mist veils the fields

beyond the glass

sliding over the surface

effortlessly

like silk against bare skin

an outline of the past still visible

beneath its weight

— RSScheerer, Oct 13, 2007

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Near Springfield, Illinois, USA

Favorite Poets: Sylvia Plath, Edgar Allen Poe, Merrit Malloy

More from this author

Critiques

ID

Ink Dragon

18 years 8 months ago

you did better before

As much as I like your conconances and the theme of this one, it might still need some fine-tuning. I´d suggest to start with l.2 instead of l.1 and change a few positions e.g. "the field slips into the mist/sliding effortlessly over the surface/on the other side of the glass" The mist being your prime subject here it should come first, I feel. But in your last two lines you are clearly shaping up to your usual form. I like them very much! Love, ID P.S: I´ll rate that one when you have decided on a final shape...Needn´t necessarily be according to my suggestions, of course!
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 7 months ago

Good suggestions!

I made changes according to your suggestions. Some restructuring was necessary to place the common noun (in this case it is the mist) in the correct sentence structure. Otherwise, it sounded like the field was doing the sliding against the glass. See? Hope this is better! Thank you for your help! love, Ronda
ID

Ink Dragon

18 years 7 months ago

Better

I don´t want to jump into an argument about sentence structure, but "sliding" is attributed to the glass now, because it´s a contact clause. Maybe "slides" and a comma before it? Love, ID
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 7 months ago

Actually

The "proper" thing to do here would be to add a comma after glass. Seeing as most of my work contains no punctuation, this should be considered an enjambment...one continuous flow of thought. The only other option would be an end-stop, which is rarely my style. :) love, Ronda
ID

Ink Dragon

18 years 7 months ago

Sorry to be such a pain in the bum

about this one, Ronda! It´s just that I think this piece isn´t really a credit to your talent and usual form...It still leaves me unsatisfied somehow...No offence! If it is finished for you and you are satisfied with it, we´ll just say that for once our souls were out of tune with each other. Having different opinions is definitely allowed both here at neopoet and in our friendship, I hope! Love, ID
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 7 months ago

No problem

We'll just agree to disagree on this one! Not everything a person writes appeals to everyone in the same manner. Even some of my favorite poets/authors have works that just don't sit well with me! No worries! love, Ronda
J

JulieMcCarty

18 years 7 months ago

Love it!

This one took me back in my mind to being a little girl living on a farm and seeing the mist roll in across the field. Very nice memory for me. Thank you for that. :) Julie
Electric Blue

Electric Blue

16 years 2 months ago

Dusk through the window

Rhonda This is so whistful dreamy. My by the window looking out into the darkness seeing shadows move trying to make out what they are but they are just out of sight nothing but different colours of grey swirling transformng into images unknown Just dreamy Awesome images so vivid Electric Blue