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B
barbsdad2003
Oct 15, 2007 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

when my tears had done

 

when my tears had done

 

the land indifferent, sleepy, slept

the while I sorely wept.

 

and when my tears had done,

across the fields on hands and knees I crept;

 

so to recover thus and so …

once more I’ve come adept:

 

 

then minnows flicked to swim …

and frolicked in their sunlit shallows—

 

till foaming death showed up to put

a stop to such brief lives.

 

deepwater fish had slashed

and swallowed … then flashed back for more.

 

not one escaped.

 

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Country/Region: USA

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I

Ink Dragon

18 years 6 months ago

I did promise

to look your work up, remember. I am quite fond of that one, with its content twisted so cunningly in the middle. But I think you needn´t have drawn our eyes to it by changing the letters. And maybe you should consider "across the fields on hands and knees I crept" in one line instead of two. This stanza is the only one with 3 lines, it would be more appealing to the reader if there were only couplets, aside from your last line, I think! ID
B

barbsdad2003

18 years 6 months ago

Thanx

Now I've changed the three-liner to a two-. Thanx for the suggestion. Much appreciated. My reasoning for the start with italics and switch to regular? An experiment here: I mixed rhyming verse with free---and marked it by the change. Perhaps it wasn't necessary. I don't know. Would appreciate further feedback on it. Thanx again, Chuck PS: As to writing verse, I'm yet green. Perhaps in future, should I keep up my hot pursuit in this writing vein, I'll add more colors to my poetic personality---maybe evolve to yellow, red, brown (umber?) ... violet, purple. Is there a color putrid? Maybe that, too.
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 6 months ago

mmm... in the first part I felt

your voice was the voice of the land itself, even though it doesn't say that, and what consciousness can perceive the passing of aeons as the flicker of an eye and still linger on the passing of some minnows? Deep stuff. I agree that the change to italics is not necessary, I would suggest just an extra line break between the two parts, with respect, Jess