La Jeunesse (Youth)

The opening lines to this poem. Visions floating in air Innocence frozen in time Insects trapped in amber Windows to bygone days Truth we left behind This poem reminds me of a school friend we lost in the Lockerbie crash many years ago. She was the life and soul of the school, taken at the age of 21 and we miss her even now. Thanks for sharing this its a lovely piece of writing. Kaz x

despite all odds, fast drunken driving, every dangerous drug known to man, extreme sports recklessly executed, smart-arse words in dangerous company, I didn't deserve to live, but I did. And so many others slipped away so easily. I will never understand. cheers, Jess

(Full disclosure: The only poem I ever published was in a county contest. I was not an English major. I have never taken a writing class in my life. Make of this what you will.) I really like the first stanza. It brought right away to my mind one of Marc Chagall's paintings - "The Birthday," I think. To me, it seems more like an introduction, though - a short piece that sets the mood for your poem. One thought is to separate it a little like barbsdad does. My personal taste would like you to delete the last line of that stanza and change the one before it to "days gone by," which then would rhyme. I am ambivalent about the last line of stanza 2. There, the friends are fading slowly. Then, in stanza 4, things are happening quickly to them. Stanza 3 does need elaboration. What did they know? How did they come to know it? Why did it kill them? Was it the knowledge itself or the way they gained it? This seems to be the core of the poem, esp. since you emphasize it again in the next stanza. In Stanza 4, personal preference would like to to delete "We" so the first line reads, "See how quickly comes the truth . . ." And then I would like the poem to end - because I would not have known this was part of a Jack Kerouac contest unless you had told me, so the line about Gerard would be confusing. If you want to keep it, I would insert Jack Kerouac in the title somewhere. (People like myself are not going to know about Visions of Gerard, which I had to read about in preparation for this poem so having Kerouac's name in the title might help orient them.) I like this poem quite a bit as is so I don't think the praise you received was just politeness. It reads very dreamily, pensively, which I think is what you intended and the overall tone of sad reflection comes shining through so you've successfully accomplished the main goal. I hope you don't feel torn apart. If you decide to change it a bit, I'd like to re-read. --Respectfully, Arrow

Your first stanza is excellent second stanza is a bit weak but just by a slight word change you may fix this trysomthing like seeing my friends die leaving me one by one slowly dwindiling away next two lines keepers How quicly comes the truth To those of us that die So early in oyr youth I've found my visons of Gerad Though his poem of death has left me shaken and so jarred merely suggestions use what you need or use none at all Chrys