A Long Time (revised)

Something about the way you write is real and raw, which are the best things about poetry - it's nearly impossible to be a good poet and be fake about who you are. Well, okay, unless you're TRYING to tell a lie; then we're extraordinarily talented at it. At any rate, this piece speaks of understanding one individual's life through their own eyes. I think it states the simple fact that life is life, whatever you make of it. Ronda

If I may suggest, I think the first few lines can be altered a bit to read, for example, in general more frugally: High-gravity days that pass so slowly in grey haze seem neverending, which makes, I guess, my life at least subjectively extended. The above suggestion is but one option. On further thought I might write them differently in small respects. I think this is a case where fewer words would add up to something greater. Your theme is wonderful and merits maximum attention. Thanx for the pleasure, Chuck

great grey heights and days of gravity end slow these days and mean a guess my life is extended and subjected say i am old a thousand years not sad nor bad in times dark extension ... (just an example of how i strip things down layer them like drying hardwood at the old flooring plant so the boards dont warp..) like this poem as i like all your poems ..O..

no need for the dash in "misspent", as there hasn't really been any absolutely meticulous punctuation like that throughout the poem, though you've punctuated everything correctly--the "spoken in a japanese accent" ending to the stanza and the correlation between that and your extension of the syllables of "irrepressible" is something you might want to look at in terms of how it functions within the poem. the brooke quotation, "a young man's death", for some odd reason really works here. this is otherwise a great poem, jess!

but I'm going to be no help here right now because I'm reading the emotion in this poem, and it is overwhelming melancholy. So let me leave the mechanics to the other's on the site and review this as an empath: What I see is a joyful sadness. This piece is lovely in every bit of the word. And by that I mean lovely with its flaws. Keep them, defend them because this poem NEEDS its BLEMISHES. This poem should not be polished, for it is real and human right now. The ending of the first stanza (from line 6 and on) is gold. Gold found in the dirt, muddy and unappreciated to the untrained eye. Gold as it is found in nature. Your second stanza is hopeful, in only the way a tired man can write. A man tired from life, yet full of that life. (I can say that all in the same breath, for I too am that kind of man, hopeful yet repressed.) "So maybe when I meet my young man’s death" I wish I could write such poetry. No Jess, do not change this poem. It is not perfect. And that is why it is. Mark W.

I ,If need be leave it and post "a Long Time Again/Redux!(sic) In ink, IKnow...

Hi Jess I liked the theme of this write as it spoke to me of my own life. one needs to maintian a sense of humour and fun even through the hardest times in ones life, i really related to this stanza: "even in those dark extended times not even sad I can still dance jig, now and then, for the nature of me is iiirrrrrepppprrrresssiiiibbbllle" because i do the same thing!!!! thank you for sharing this with us!!!! kind regards Jill Mistakes happen, do not dwell on them, live them, mourn them and move on to better things. (PS: if that does not work eat lots and lots of chocolate)

A code to live old disgracefully by -I love this! So maybe when I meet my young man’s death I won’t lament A life misspent but glory in its joy. A life mispent is a life lived well my friend. Excellent! Kaz x

of barbsdad´s comment...I think you should try contracting some of your lines and rearranging the stanzas. The poem would flow more naturally then. On second thoughts, maybe loose all the punctuation, with the exception of the brackets. (spoken in a japanese accent) works fine for me. i think it´s a great bird-puller ;) Poetic Regards, Ink Dragon