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cans

melted snow crawls at a snails

pace down his threadless, stinking

brown work boots

unwittingly imitating his

brain waves. zigzagging through

the senseless rubber maze

of a sleeping heel and reaching

his own dead end on loose floorboards,

it adds a new continent

to the puddle made from tears and

other things that have formed like a

moist waste land over three years.

occasionally he is sure that the

shrill voiced neighbor downstairs

who complains loudly about the

noise is his daughter. who else,

after all, could care enough to

wake him up. never having the energy

to go and find out, he will forget.

this will not matter, since she is 85

and was put in a nursing home

last night. this will never matter,

since downtown his dreams

are on sale for 50 cents a can.

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weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 8 months ago

Ok, no bullshit feedback

as beautifully written as all your work is, this doesn't ring true. You are clearly trying, very hard to write about something that isn't you. You have succeeded before, but not this time. Go on, tell me this is personal experience. Not that it has to be, but you failed to convince me. I don't feel the need to stroke you about your excellent poetry, it's all there, just gut truth missing here. cheers, Jess
Q

Quillsvein1

18 years 8 months ago

for

once you've made a serious misjudgment in error, jess--actually this is the first time your intuiton has been dead wrong. i appreciate the feedback in any case, since it gives me an alarm bell about what kind of readers to gear my work toward. (this was published about 7 separate times, btw). and dead wrong it is. if it doesn't ring true, you're either not acquainted enough with the subject matter--which might be a good thing, i guess-or, as the case with everyone sometimes, you don't know how to respond to this kind of thing. all that said, THANK YOU for the feedback, i do need and appreciate it. best, john
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 8 months ago

clearly my wrong

especially on re-reading. I don't know what was in my head at the time but it must have flavoured my reading. My apologies, poetry reading is intensely subjective, I hope you will forgive this for the times I don't get it wrong. Thank you for the dignity and grace with which you received my mis-reading. cheers, Jess
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 8 months ago

May I make another attempt at responding?

First a little diatribe, when one has the Advocate badge one has a responsibility, but that doesn't stop me being human, often I will come to poems with my own obsessions before the poetry, I can only apologise and try to do better. I love this site and most of its poets. This poem, I know. I am envious of your craft. Although I know nothing of the people you evoke, I feel I know them, there is a universality in this that maybe many could not relate to. cheers, Jess
Frost Smith

Frost Smith

18 years 8 months ago

I think it should be two

I think it should be two poems; one about the water traveling down the boot, and then one about the nieghbor, can't beat the begining; awesome, I got cold just reading it
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 2 months ago

cans

When I read the title, I thought to myself, "What an odd subject." My own work is often difficult to title; for many years everything was "untitled," but that was before the publishing world forced me to start naming what I produced. I'm still rarely satisfied with my choices, but your pick here is perfect. This is a painfully melancholy piece. I got swept up in the description of the water and fell right into the experience. How many ways are there to tell you that you are one of the most impressive poets I have crossed paths with for a very long time? ~ Ronda