Some Limericks -- Well, Actually a Whole BUNCH of Limericks! Hope u enjoy, y'all!

I was bit in the face by a ‘skeeter

While the bite makes my wrinkles much neater,

I don’t like the itchin’

So now I’m a-bitchin’

At a 10 on the 1 to 10 meter!

She’s out there chasing a cricket

Through bush, through shrub & through thicket

Together they hop

Fugitive, cop

But when it’s captured, she just wants to lick it!

(A L’eye’merick)

A cat whose vet took his eye

Just cannot quite understand why

His eye’s been enucleated,

3-D vision reduciated,

So now, he keeps an eye out for an eye

Ya gotta keep limericks loose

Think green eggs, or perhaps Dr. Seuss

They’re structured, it’s true,

But they’re also a zoo

Whose tenants are all on the loose!

I frolic in fountains of words

Overflowing with serious absurds

Each poem I write

Wakes up and takes flight

Joining angels and faeries and birds

You ask that we write a good limerick

How to do so, I haven’t a glimmerick

So I struggle and frown

Teaching  poems to clown

So a smile on your lips will be shimmerick

My brother, a brilliant jerk

Thinks that screaming at me’s gonna work

To keep dialogue going

But the tantrums he’s throwing

Only serve to make me feel berserk!

Cynicism, highly pervasive

Is a siren whose truly persuasive

She sings her sweet song

That everything’s wrong

& her message is deeply invasive

A cat with a mouth full of mouse

Brought her feast right into my house

She played with her food

Who was not in the mood

To be a banquet of mouse in the house

The nightmares that shadow my sleep

Stampede the proverbial sheep

Right out of my mind

When I try to unwind

I find my appointment with sleep hard to keep

We grew up in a house full of pain

Run by people so deeply insane

That they couldn’t tell

We all lived in hell

From violence they just could not refrain

The cat who got a hold of my tongue

Used his opposable thumb –

‘Cuz he didn’t bite it

I didn’t fight it

But I did find myself struck quite dumb!

In her search for original truth

She met people unsavory and couth

She knitted and purled

But only unfurled

Yarns told by new age and old youth

The Coalition for Charitable Giving

Lavished largesse on only the living

“‘Cuz if you’re better off dead,”

As some idiot said,

“Then what is the point of forgiving?”

That Coalition for Charitable Giving?

Saw absolutely no point in forgiving

Those better off dead

(As some idiot said)

So it lavished largesse on the living

I am plagued with an anaplastic cancer

And I pray to a Buddha, plastic dancer

Since it’s here in my hands

I put it all in Your hands

I’m just not ready for the great Necromancer

Cat, suddenly pink,

Drinks her water from out of the sink

She looks so absurd

Since she’s been de-furred

I really don’t know what to think!

When it comes to repetitions and such

They become a bit much of a much

They no longer surprise

Or bring joy to my eyes

But I guess that they’ll do in a clutch

These limericks are all poking fun

At delirious, hot poking fun

So I’ll stroke your hard pistol

‘Til I get a fistful

And you’re left with a still smoking gun

Sex isn’t something mysterious

Nor should it be taken so serious

It’s way far more pleasing

Than burping or sneezing

‘Cuz it makes all our muscles delirious

A girl with intense nymphomania

Suffered from sweet pyromania

Way up ‘twixt her legs

Where she carried her eggs

So she drove all her lovers insania

We’re getting racier and racier in class

And we laugh ‘til we fall on our ass

The teacher’s hilarious,

The students gregarious

We just hope that we all get to pass

Your ways are so sweet and mysterious

They sometimes seem deleterious

But when push comes to shove,

Your ineffable love

Brings me joy unlike any – I am serious!

 
I observe life’s consistent incongruence,

And recognize the tides of life’s confluence

While its river’s quite bent,

Life is heaven-sent

So I trust it will bring me congruence

If one and one is two and two is four,

And there’s only two ways to go through  a door,

Then, is earth up or down?

And, where is down town?

These are questions we need to explore!

A was that is an is

Tried to mind my biz

But I sent it packing,

Its presence was lacking

And I don’t have time for such shiz!

An ice-clearblue wind flows in from the East

The sky all around is a visual feast

Autumn is here!

The best time of year!

Gives my and my heart some real peace

A man was lurking on the deck

A tightened noose around his neck

He cried, “Oh what a bore!

I’ve tried this before! –

This is not how to make the ship wreck!”

All water does is fill the space it’s in

It’s a natural fact, so much to my chagrin,

When the ocean got spilled

I was way less than thrilled –

For there were stingrays stacked up to my chin

How many ways can you kill a Cylon?

You can shoot it or stab it or choke it with nylon

But it always returns –

Its copies take turns

And they never let bygones be bygones!

There was a young girl from Tribeca

Who wanted to win the Trifecta

So she played the horses

Now her only remorse is

She shoulda bet on the horse named Rebecca

A couple who lived in Los Lunas

Loved the wide desert sky’s crystal blueness

They’d stare at the air,

Over here, over there

And rejoice at the feeling of newness

There was a girl who was always so sad

She’d forgotten how it felt to be glad

So I gave her a smile

From the face of a child

And you should see the new look that she had!

A big cat who lived in my house

Brought me a present one day – a dead mouse

I told him to eat it

Or otherwise, beat it

‘Cuz I didn’t want a mouse in my house

A poet who shall remain nameless

Wrote lyrics entirely shameless

But she didn’t care,

She had talent to spare

And considered her words to be blameless

A man with a split personality

Lived his lives with a sense of fatality

Knowing if one of him died

The other would cry

So he gave in to his own flawed mortality

A cat with a very fat gut

Found it easier to walk on his butt

He’d drag it around

Across carpet and ground

And use it to slam the doors shut

Said the Missus to her dear Mr. Otter,

“There’s something I think that you oughta

Do before we get old

To protect us from cold –

You oughta make the hot water hotter!”

A girl who lived deep in the cactus

Told her new lover, “The fact is

Since I’ve lived out here,

Almost no one comes near

So forgive me if I’m a bit out of practice”

There was once a decrepit old dragon

Whose spirits were decidedly flaggin’

‘Til he was pet on the head

By a lady in red –

Now his tail is a-happily waggin’

I’m turned on when my mind gets excited

Not my body, it’s been too indicted

It’s been raped and hard-used

My refusals refused

Mental intercourse is what leaves me delighted

Here’s to the good doc Candela,

Whom I find a remarkable fella

He’s excites my deep mind

He’s dark and quite kind

Altogether, I think he’s quite stellar!

These are Halloween limericks:

Tonight is All-Hallow’s Eve

And I don’t know just what to believe

Is it goblins and ghosties

Or marshmallow toasties?

Dead demons hide souls in their sleeves

October nights haunt and enthrall

The night air’s filled with the owl’s hooting call

La Llarona wakes up,

Drinks her tears from a cup

Y Los Muertos hold a skeletal ball

The ghosts who live up in my attic

Make noises that sound much like static

I’ve tried to send them away,

But they’re here to stay,

Those staticky ghosts in my attic

A child  was kidnapped one Halloween night

And for the last fifty years, she’s been rarely in sight

Midnight, Halloween’s

The only time that she’s seen

And her appearance is a cold, ghastly fright

A witch who on children was lunching

Loved the noise of their little bones crunching

She licked her black lips,

Yelled, “bring on the dip! –

It’ll soften the gristle I’m munching!”