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Visions of Afterlife

spoke your last words
released your final breath
captured the last scene
your heart halts at final stop
-steps into black
soars into white
vast land of beauty
strums a chord at heart
your eyes that had never laid
upon such awe
water with eternal peace
-blood stops frozen
coldness redeems your body
dark gray spreads throughtout
your soft porcelein skin
-the staircase to heaven
faces your spirit
memories of love
pain
and mistakes
flash by deep in mind
as your steps get closer
into the light ahead
look up to see loved ones
smiling upon you
together tears run slowly
as harmony takes over the moment
forever more

 

 

— Nessachick, Aug 10, 2007

Critiques

Mark

Mark

18 years 10 months ago

Nessa, beginning and end

are quite extraordinary here. Line for line top and bottom for quite a ways match up perfect in their own poem. It might be a new style (it is to me) if you are able to make all lines top and bottom come to meet in the middle and be of a poem themselves. Other than that take the take the t out of throughtout. I really like what you have going here and let me know if you work on it any more (I will re-read). Joy and Peace, Mark
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 10 months ago

this is quite extraordinary

feels like you've been there! (if you have, welcome back!) Powerful use of language and imagery. I could quibble with some aspects of flow, but choose not to. The only thing I must take exception to is "staircase to heaven". Just as in the music shop in "Wayne's World" that phrase needs to be banned. (I have used it in one of my poems on this site, but in a purely ironical way) 8) Welcome, again, to NeoPoet, cheers, Jess

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