6.20am

As I fall asleep
Within the crush of my dream
The clouds that broke this morning
Gently disappear.

I tiptoe through the shattered thunder
That lies scattered across the floor
Unlike so much that has drifted past
It can worry me no more.

The memories caught in a hurricane
Replaying all my yesterdays
I think of the fortunate few
Who can smile as they view.

As twisted thoughts lie awake and wait for dawn
I wait for a new morning
Wait for the night
Dreaming my yesterdays
Were just a myth or a lie.

— wellbelove, Jul 26, 2007

Critiques

weirdelf

18 years 11 months ago

Wow, one poem is not enough to say for sure

but I suspect we have a bright, accomplished new poetic voice in our midst. You have accomplished two of the most difficult things in poetry with this piece. To make a positive statement without becoming trite and sentimental, and to use rhyme effectively with it becoming laboured or trivialising the work. The storm imagery is very effective, love "I tiptoe through the shattered thunder That lies scattered across the floor" and "The memories caught in a hurricane Replaying all my yesterdays" I wonder if "pass" should be "past"? Really look forward to more of your work. cheers, Jess

wellbelove

18 years 11 months ago

Jess's comment

Thanks for the useful feedback - yes should be past

Prototype

18 years 10 months ago

Hmm...

Very, very good I love it.

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