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butterfly lover

Sea goddess,
beautiful to behold,
it has been a long time since i’v actually sat and adored u.
smooth alluring eyes like that of a madonna!
A painful joy indeed to see you.
The seas are been made to wade in a thunderous infernal.
guess what,the fishes are at ease.
The wales smiling like a burnfire.
A side as quiet and as astonishing like a polished stone.
What about the sea tortoil?
Lol! shes on her best atire waiting to behold ur presence.
I know the sun must be smiling.
Seeing your presence is more than solomon’s.
Fine fins,beautiful breast as priceless as a thousand tons of gold.
Alluring eyes that could stun the heart of every king.
Sweet fragrance almost half of our lord’s halibaster.
Oh sea goddess adieu!!!!

— ellisville, Jul 20, 2007

Critiques

weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 11 months ago

this piece is astonishing to me

it seems to prevaricate between the trite and the profound. Gorgeous imagery that sometimes drops like breasts weighing a thousand tons of gold, eeew. I honestly don't know what to say. It is good and it is terrible. Might have to resort to reading your profile and your other works before I can say more than this, very vivid. cheers, Jess
Q

Quillsvein1

18 years 11 months ago

amateurish/masterful

I have to concur somewhat with Jess here--you have lines that some poets will never be able to write, and then you put online lingo in the next line. I find this attractive and a cause for concern at the same time. You have obvious, first-glance talent, it just needs to be polished. Keep writing.

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