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poet_inside
Jul 16, 2007 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Glory or Death

The river ran red on that day

As the men gathered the tags from the dead

On the east end of the hill

The winds blew

As a wave across the grass

The grass thick long and green

Hid what others should not see

A man crouched Moveing from the side

He led his men

Can they outflank the unknowing enemy

Without a sound

So close you could cut ones throat

The surprise attack

Brought them a flawless victory The glory of the unsuspected battle

The saddnes in the death

What matters the most

Glory or Death

That is for them to decide

They hope to be the same men they left as

With the ability to smile or laugh Will life be the same after all the unneeded death The glory of the victory Can it bring back what was lost Or will the glory be the fall of ones self Will it bring them an untimely death How could one take this lightly

The decision

Will change them for life

Questioning what they can never explain

Was it for the glory

Was the glory worth all the death

 

— poet_inside, Jul 16, 2007
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Critiques

weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 11 months ago

this is not one of my favourites of yours, Brittany

if you read it through it is in places not very coherent. How does the wind hide things? Is the crouching man about to ambush the tag gathers who think they have won the battle? Is there glory in a sneak ambush? It is evocative, but to this poor confused reader, unclear. Or maybe I am just being stupid. The line "They hope to be the same men they left as" raises an interesting idea, perhaps you could pursue how the pursuit of glory might change them? cheers, Jess
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poet_inside

18 years 11 months ago

I changed a few things

I changed a few things around not sure I got it right yet. SO i'm gonna call this a work in progress. Thanks for the feed back Brittany
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Conect11

18 years 11 months ago

I think

you bravely tried to tackle a very serious subject. But to use an analogy I could understand, ie., baseball: you are like a catcher trying to throw a pitch. In other words you've seen pitcher's pitch, so you understand the dynamic of pitching, but you've never pitched, and therefore are not a pitcher. In other words this reads like your report on a great battle. Now, I do not fault you for this. I wrote a poem once called "the hill goes on for miles" about this world war 1 cemetary, which I based on a TV show I saw about the graveyard. The poem was sincere enough, but because I hadn't experienced what it was like to be there I couldn't fully grasp it, poetically or on any other level. That's what this feels like. I tell you, again, Brittany that this is a fine and brave effort. I just can't believe you as the speaker of it because it feels artificial. Let me be clear, I do not think it is a bad poem from a writing perspective, it just doesn't have that element of verite. Mark
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poet_inside

18 years 11 months ago

I agree with you there I

I agree with you there I wrote my first draft during a movie and now I'm trying to edit it, I might be fighting a looseing battle, it is definately not one of my best, but like I said it is a work in progress maybe one that will never be completely done, It is lacking and I see that. Not really sure what to do with it lol, ya never know til ya try huh??? Thanks for the input, it is appreciated!! Well I'm off to work for the day . You have a good one!

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