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poet_inside
Jul 13, 2007 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Admitting Defeat?

Curled in a ball, laying on the floor

You beat me like I was a whore

Now you’ve left for the liquor store

 

What should I do

The door is in view

I’ve gotta push through

 

Staggering to me feet

Feeling the need to retreat

Am I admitting defeat

 

In front of the door I stand

With the door knob in my hand

All this was so unplanned

 

Opening the door

I hit the floor

Begging him on all fours

 

He turns to walk away

I start to pray

 

Forgive me Lord

This can no longer be ignored

 

The gun shot sounds

As he hits the ground

 

Curled in a ball, laying on the floor

I don’t have to lay here anymore

 

 

 

— poet_inside, Jul 13, 2007
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Critiques

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Conect11

18 years 11 months ago

a brutal poem

and the fourth stanza is heartbreaking in its cry. I could just hear the writer's voice falling out on "All this was so unplanned." Yeah, I have some rhyme scheme issues, and you may want to look at spelling on "prey" unless that's truly what you mean. For me it is very very difficult to write extremely personal poetry. It's theraputic, (sic) but reads more like a diary than a poem. (my stuff, not this) I give you applause for tackling this. Mark
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poet_inside

18 years 11 months ago

Thanks

Yea its hard to write about certain subjects, and nomally I write what I call freeverse not sure if thats the name, but typically it doesn't rhyme I've been trying to do some rhymeing lately, so it might come across like I'm searching for the word. Thanks for pointing out they prey typo, I''m not a very good speller, the spell check on here doesn't work for me (wouldn't have caught that though) I'm going to have to start spell checking on another program. Thanks so much for the comment! You have a good one!!! Mad Love Brittany Rae
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Spirit Song

18 years 11 months ago

A Soul's Cry...

Impactful write delivered with depth...Heart pounding! Closing line PERFECT. I would suggest considering a different title. I think you may want to check the use of lie/lying (present tense) vs lay/laying (past tense)? Jerry It is said there are two ways of doing things The right way and the wrong way I believe there is a third way A NEW WAY JVS
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RandomThoughts

18 years 10 months ago

Very very powerful. Love

Very very powerful. Love that you can write bout something so dark. Keep it up I enjoy reading

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