Invasion

Everyone in power
has it all wrong.
The president, congress,
generals on down.
Make me Secretary of Defense.
We’ll be out of Iraq
in five years
without another drop of blood
spilled on either side.
And as Eisenhower wished
we will achieve total victory.
The way to domination
is not with guns and bombs
and nuclear strikes,
all of which embolden the enemy.
Begin…
subtlety.
The camouflage uniforms have to go,
as does the artillery,
MRE's, and laser guided torpedoes.
These things are easily replaced.
The new standard issued uniform
in the infantry division
(the front lines, as it were)
will be a blue vest
with "Walmart" emblazoned on the back,
and a button that says
"How may I help you?"
Build the big box
in Baghdad, Fallujah, and Tikrit
and watch the transformation.
Hell, we can even
have a section of each store
dedicated to "local flavor,"
instead of baseball equipment
in sporting goods
we sell IED making supplies,
what will it bother?
Video equipment,
of course will be a hot seller
since insurgents love
to make movies.
But that
THAT
is just the first step!
Imagine not having to limit the
enlistment age to 18 - 25 year olds anymore.
We could have soldiers,
*AHEM*
greeters
who are 60 plus
making minimum wage.
Hell, less than minimum wage!
But again
that
that is only the first step!
as my undersecretary
I name Ronald McDonald, Because, after all,
gotta start em young,
get em before they become
"little terrorists."
Generals Shakira,
Mickey Mouse,
and Admiral Britney Spears
(gotta find something for her to do)
will make up the heads of our Armed Forces.
You see,
my fellow Americans
those in power,
and indeed our own enemies just
do not get it.
It is not in the violence
and strength of arms
that we conquer.
The wars we win
are the insidious ones,
the creeping of our culture,
the Mcdonald’s on the streets of Russia,
the Hollywood style premiers
taking place for OUR
movies in Tokyo,
NFL games in Mexico City,
and Lebron James being huge in Shanghai.
Oh, when was the last
Bollywood movie
you saw get huge on our soil?
Who’s invading from the south,
the Wiggles?
Steve Irwin?
No, he’s another sad casualty.
David Beckham from Europe?
He’ll be as American as apple pie
in a season or two.
No,
fellow Americans,
rest assured.
The real war is well in hand.