My Rubber Combat Girl (prose poem)

She had offered me a ring, pressed it close in passion’s heat against the black birthmark beneath my skin only we knew about. The proposal had been a long time coming. Suggesting a honeymoon near her home in a cozy landfill where the birds had grown quiet with rain and oil, I hesitated, knowing that with our love there would be no turning back. "A place where time sleeps", she said, holding our mistletoe of shredded white tree shrubs over my head, sprinkling silver powder and ribbons of hot moonlight. Drawing close, we embraced: firm and supple as steel, hands obliging as gripped rubber, we drew close. I pulled her tongue back and the chambers of my heart pounded: a cold wind passed as her six black eyes fell together.

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Conect11

18 years 10 months ago

prose...poem...poem...prose...

you've got some excellent ideas here, and lines to die for, but I think it needs more fleshing out, as you alluded to by saying this is a work in progress. "a place where time sleeps" could be lame and trite, but you make it sweet and appropriate here, a tough feat. I'm a little concerned with the line starting "suggesting..." because it just seems to run on a touch too long. I'd love to see this as a series, because you could definately do a succesful serial with these two characters. I see this as a part of something larger. By this I'm not saying expand this poem, but rather offer it in installments, I think you'd do really well like that. Mark

Quillsvein1

18 years 10 months ago

Yep!

Right on all counts--I appreciate your feedback! Top of the morning

Mark

18 years 8 months ago

I Like This Writing

I like this very much and and was really into it. I am not sure what to suggest here but I can say the six black eyes is signifigant of something, I just do not know what and wonder how many others might not understand. Good luck with this write, Mark

My Rubber Combat Girl (*prose* poem)