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dbaker
dbaker
Jul 03, 2007 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

"The Stone"

 

In the dead of night I walk,
Clutching a stone to my belly.
 
Across plaza’s of silent thought.
Past ash gray bones of adobe homes.
 
Necropolis of emotions hide flickering lamp light.
To the river I must go, must go, I must go…
 
Full moon watches sadly my paseo.
Under trees with wild woman leaves I pause…
 
Muted sounds of gypsies singing, tell me to hurry.
Posters of revolution swirl at my feet.
 
Standing on the shoulders of an ox of water,
I let my stone fall, to the anguish of demons hiding in bull rushes.
 
Iron rod angels weep watching my pain slide to purple depths.
I plunge into the water feeling its absence like a lover gone.
 
In my rictus thrashings I find my peace.
Stars fall from the horizon as I  am carried on the back of a river.
 
End
 
-DS Baker

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Region, Country: NV and NC, USA

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Comments

weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 10 months ago

truly romantic verse

most people think "romantic" in poetry means love poems. It doesn't. It means lifting beyond ordinary emotion and experience. This qualifies. Haunting and beautiful. One question. In the stanza "Necropolis of emotions hide flickering lamp light. To the river I must go, must go, I must go…" how would it be if you lost the last "must"? "Necropolis of emotions hide flickering lamp light. To the river I must go, must go, I go…" love this, I can be thick and not get historical reference or allegory but still get the poetry. cheers, Jess
dbaker

dbaker

18 years 10 months ago

Jess, you know that is a

Jess, you know that is a good point about the last "Must" let me think on it for a day or two and see how it sounds in my head. I wish I was a painter. Most of the images I see in my head, that I try to turn into poems I view as paintings. That maybe an incomplete way of expressing how I view my work, or my process, but I hope it gives you an insight to how or why I write the way I do. Cheers Mate! -DS Baker
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 10 months ago

yes it does

and I admire a painterly style, quill is doing good work that way too. I can't paint for shit, thank chance, or I might not write poetry. cheers, Jess
C

Conect11

18 years 10 months ago

yes, you are a word painter

Dave, I've seen alot of people try to write in this style. You're the first person that's written in it that I've been able to enjoy. Yes, you are a word painter. Your first two lines feel real, despite the fantasy language you sometimes employ. Line four is brilliant, it actually rolls off my tongue. Hmm, not rolls, more like bubbles. Not so hot on line 5, but six with its repetition is a winner. In the line "muted sounds..." I wonder if you could benefit from the word "the" at the begining of the sentence, but that may just be my preference. I also think your "iron rod angels..." line could be broken up nicely with some punctuation. And finally I like your ending alot, although perhaps "the river" instead of "a river," just to maybe make it more real, more identifiable? Mark
B

barbsdad2003

18 years 10 months ago

Wow!

Did your last line send my mind rushing back to when I was a four-year-old who could not swim. And when I in winter fell off a footbridge into treacherous floodwaters, I remember so clearly how disoriented I was as I spun, eyes open wide, downriver under a white sky, afloat in heavy clothes and coat on my way downstream and to likely oblivion---with my mother (who also could not swim) in midstream amongst the spray-slickened rocks in terribly hot pursuit. Scary. Thanx, Chuck
dbaker

dbaker

18 years 10 months ago

Chuck, Mark, Jess, Thank you

Chuck, Mark, Jess, Thank you gentlemen for your kind and supportive comments. I don't know if, what I write would be considered "Romantic" or not. I do know that most of my work, tells a story of some sort. In the end regardless of what I may think of what I have created, it is you the reader who decides what you get out of my work. I am just glad that you found it worthy of reading. I have also made some editing changes to the piece. Thank you. -David
Q

Quillsvein1

18 years 9 months ago

Neat

Certainly does have a "painterly" quality to it, if that's what you're aiming for. You have some dense, compact language-pictures strung together by a consistent narrative, I just can't always tell where the emotion is going--but the visuals are pyrotechnic. Great job