Mark's Rules of Poetry for Pretentious Wankers

 
I have developed the following list
to help the world’s young writers
say what’s on their minds
 
and express more fully
 
just how talented they are.
Occasionally, people may not agree. I’d tell these people
knowledge is power, and my suggestions are
easy to
 
follow, hard to ignore. The
unknown is the hardest part of speaking in front of an audience.
Can you make your special masterpiece come alive? That’s something only you
know.
Every poet’s experience is different. How I
react is different than how you will. It’s important to
say what you want the way you want it.
 
The Rules
 
Rule #1
Arrive at your coffeehouse minutes before the open mike. This will show everyone that you are indeed there for the show.
 
Rule #2
Sign up to read at preferably the 3 , 4, or 5 spot. Never take spots one or two.
 
Rule #3
While other poets are performing, silently read your chosen performance pieces to yourself, or have a conversation with the person nearest you, if they are in your comfort zone. (i.e., race, body type, are eating a tasty looking scone, looks hot, etc.)
 
Rule #4
Offer polite applause. Occasionally cheer a little harder, or say “yeah,” or “right on!” This will show that you really were paying attention to their reading.
 
Rule #5
Feign interest in the person who just read. Use non - specific phrases such as “that rocked!” or “Nice read!”
 
Rule #6
Purchase only one item from the establishment you’re at. Artists are poor, damnit!
 
Rule #7
Pester the owner of said establishment into selling your books, magazines, whatever. Fail to see the irony.
 
Rule #8
Insist on drinking only fair trade coffee. Wear clothes made in a Bangladesh sweat - shop by 5 year olds. Fail to see the irony.
 
Rule #9
When you read your poetry, don’t swear. Otherwise you look like a fucking asshole.
 
Rule #10
Keep it real, swear. Otherwise you look like a fucking asshole. Asshole.
 
Rule #11
The louder you speak, the more important you sound. Hitler spoke really loud.
 
Rule #12
Humility is the new arrogance, so be arrogant since it must naturally be the new humility.
 
Rule #13
Don’t conform. Let everyone know you don’t conform by telling them about your myspace page, which everyone has. And it’s just like yours.
 
Rule #14
Stay for one or two poets after you read. Exit stage left. Spend the next week mentally masturbating over your great reading.
 
Rule #15
Read only the small circle of poetry and authors that you’ve become comfortable with. Have lots of books, though.
 
Rule #16
Write stupid rules of poetry. Try to pass them off as art. Most kids are suckers and will buy anything.
 
Rule #17
When you get bored writing poems for poetry sake, start throwing random codes into your work. Start with acrostics, then work with the number of syllables, hiding addresses, phone numbers, and other numerical values into the mix. Expect people to figure out your deranged game immediately. Then get real freaky, start using Morse code in the punctuation. For Example:
 
“We stormed the beach – head. The blue – eyed corporal gave his orders –
we marched one – two – three – in a row
three across. I do not know how we made it up alive. Bullets showered us –
many of us were wounded…
It is a brave man who risks himself for his brother. Tim was like that. His courage –
under – pressure saved my life. He lifted me bare – handed and carried me to safety.
So remember your war – heroes. They are brothers hell – bent on coming home”
 
Makes an amusing puzzle.
 
Rule #18
Primarily write to impress the opposite sex. If you don’t, you’re a dick. Don’t be a dick, dick.
 
Rule #19
Read the same three poems every week. Do not change your routine.
 
Rule #20
Post public messages about your private feuds in the thinly veiled guise of "poetry." Arrogantly bitch when someone calls you on it. Once again fail to see any irony. Rule #21
Repeat these steps frequently. Become bitter at a young age. Resent writing.