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Threads Unraveling

death struggles to understand
the complex anomalies of the birth of a
new life given freely in conception
of a time undeserved of happy endings
brought upon by beginnings wrought of frowns and sweaty palms
of violent sex
chosen by the need to know that death
himself will awaken with the birth of a
child conceived with the knowledge that you
come into this world with a plot already picked out

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weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 10 months ago

like the flow and concepts

Just one pernickety thing. That one comma irks me like something in my eye. Without it the whole thing would run in that stream-of-consciousness flow that I really enjoy. May I humbly suggest you try it either fully punctuated or none at all? cheers
S

serrin102

18 years 10 months ago

Comma's

Again - the comma was added on the spur of things. I don't like the way the setup is when your posting and it looked odd w/o the comma - it will be removed. - thanks for the input.
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 10 months ago

oh, and I forgot to say

That titles gotta go! Every decent poem in the world could use it and only the worst ones do. Yours does not belong among the latter cheers
S

serrin102

18 years 10 months ago

Title

The title was a spur of the moment decision - I'm working here! Haha. It'll be changed shortly - no worries.