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W
Word
Jun 06, 2007 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Stage 1(rough rough rough draft)

Be rough with me
Cut fingers that strip away fleshes idenity
and…. come with me
come to an abyss of oblivion
where my
pulsating, purple, lip convulses
into crescents of forgotten yesterdays
moonlit tomorrows
and stars that twinkle in a blink
 
So
Be rough with me
Cut fingers that strip away fleshes idenity and
just
breathe with me
exhale inhibitions that resatrain freedoms liberty
see love isn’t acrimonious but sweet
so embrace it
and learn to appreciate its versaility:
how it molds flesh into intimacy
sculpts hands into doves that speak not of war but peace
shaped bridges into a V
So be rough with me
cut fingers that strip away fleshes identity and just
……
be with me
 
 

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C

Conect11

18 years 11 months ago

rough...

this is one I'm going to pass on to my friends, like all of your works so far it possesses a gritty, urban feel to it. I could seriously see this being read at a poetry slam, I feel that while I liked this poem as I read it, it can only be truly appreciated heard, it's an auditory poem. I'm sure you're aware that there are just a couple of misspellings you may want to clean up, but we all do that. Yet another good work.
W

Word

18 years 11 months ago

Hey

Any constructive criticism?
C

Conect11

18 years 11 months ago

destructive criticism, at your service!

1.) well, mechanically speaking you have some spelling to work on. 2.) Cut fingers that strip away fleshes identity talk to me about this line... are you saying "strip away flesh and identity? Or are you saying "strip away AND fleshes (out) identity?" Might need some punctuation in there just to make it a tad more understandable. 3.) I know you don't like punctuation, but the literary world does, especially your professors. Let's see who wins this battle. 4.) Usually elipses (...) are a specific length - three periods - and occur within the context of a sentence. These are just my mechanical nit pickings, per your request. As I said before, I love the rhythm, pacing, and feel of this poem. Your poems, all of them, feel like they need to be heard, they remind me of one of my friends poetry, so I kind of use her voice when playing them over in my head.
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 11 months ago

Don’t want to give any

Don't want to give any technical crit on a rough draft but it is already good. Look forward to the finished product
W

Word

18 years 11 months ago

Hey

Any constructive criticism?
W

Word

18 years 11 months ago

Thanks

You couldn't derive a signle thing from this poem? Better question what did you think I was talking about?
I

IcePrincess

18 years 11 months ago

Just the way it is

I like this poem just the way it is. (I don't consider spelling, because I rely on spell check like a daily medication lol). I felt like you are saying, stop looking at the outside, just look at me, inside, who I truly am and accept that. I really enjoyed it. Thank you.