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"I"

I do my best in school,

I have a dog,

I don't try to be cool,

But I still end up in the fog.

Sometimes my emotions don't make since,

I come home to a bunch of nonsince.

I try to help out a bit

But I don't have the time,

I try to do my school work,

I try to stay in line.

I don't want my life to be a waste,

every day I try to pick up the pace.

I try hard to make life better,

But it seems sometimes that it gets trown back in my face.

Iknow I'm appreciated,

but sometimes I wonder.

Sometimes I long for rain

So I can llisten to the soothing sound of thunder.

Sometimes my heart feels pain,

I feel as if I'm doing all this

And I have nothing to gain.

Sometimes I feel alone

even in my own home.

I love my family,

But sometimes they don't know whats inside of me.

Sometimes I feel lost...

I do my best in school,

I have a dog,

I don't try to be cool,

But I still end up in the Fog.

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pinksheep

18 years 10 months ago

"I"

For some reason I liked the title "I". I liked the line listening to the soothing sound of thunder ,I Like the way two words together begin with the same letter, it gives the line a nice rhythm.The poem needs more work however.I am guilty of this myself as my poems need more work, but where does one begin perhaps read more. Also my spelling is bad. Good luck pinksheep
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pinksheep

18 years 10 months ago

"I"

For some reason I liked the title "I". I liked the line listening to the soothing sound of thunder ,I Like the way two words together begin with the same letter, it gives the line a nice rhythm.The poem needs more work however.I am guilty of this myself as my poems need more work, but where does one begin perhaps read more. Also my spelling is bad. Good luck pinksheep
Mark

Mark

19 years 2 months ago

Hi ...

I don't like the title as it can mean a lot >I what?<  In fact I do not like the word I in a title.

I don't like redundancy and you use the word I arond 24 times.  I do not like the title in the body of the poem and you do this around 24 times as well.  However I like the poetry ( what you are saying here) it is well thought through! I would continue to work on it - but that is me :-)  JS  makes good points as well - got to use that spell check and watch out for those words that sound alike but are spelled different.  Keep on writing!!

Mark

Mark

18 years 7 months ago

All Four Years Of High School

were nothing but a fog for me. I like your poem better the second time around and if I was harsh please forgive I can now see you did not ask for criticism. AND you are most welcome :-) Mark
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IcePrincess

18 years 11 months ago

So familar

I can relate to the feelings here. I agree with the spell check advice. (I have to use it all the time :)) I think it's great that you have a found a way to deal with things in your life that is creative. Keep writing. Education, life experiences, and maturity will help your writing evolve. Take a look at the poem "Don't Quit". It was motivation for me in basic training, and helped me change my writing a little.
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 11 months ago

I

I enjoyed reading it, agree with the comment about repetitive use of I (I have the same problem I do, 8)). My biggest crit is that it is so personal that it may not resonate with many readers not in their teens. Read more, especially writers, not just poets, who really use the full range of our beautiful language and its music. Keri Hulme, Shakespeare, Gerard Manley Hopkins. But above all write, write, write. You need to find your own voice and you will, your sincerity and integrity are a huge foundation. Oh yeah, and do watch the spelling. Incorrect spelling can be used to make a point or a pun but mostly its just wrong.
B

BrokenSoul

18 years 11 months ago

Good

I agree with mark, maybe you could call it "In The Fog" since you say that at the beginning and end. It was still very good with a lot of information.
S

sanjon123

18 years 10 months ago

Critique of your poem

I liked the poem, a young fresh sometimes redundannt Places like I have a dog,and thats it, what kind of dog, can it do tricks is it important to you, as in other things you stated embelish, remember the five senses and use each of them to make to poem jump out of the page in three dimesiona IMAGERY i HPED i WAS OF SOME HELP
S

storm400

18 years 10 months ago

poem

i accually liked this poem. I like to read stuff I can relate to...and this was something that clicked. The title goes great with this poem and I am happy I was able to read it
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Prototype

18 years 8 months ago

Hi ownself,

Nice to meet you! After reading "I" that was the only thing that felt right to say. First I must re-advice you to correct a few misspelling's in the poem. After that, good poem! It somehow remind me of me not so long ago. Let me tell you, it gets better, maybe gets a little harder, but in the end of the day... its different.
P

Prototype

18 years 7 months ago

Well...

...that's because no guidance consular has ever been a kid. Just think about it, did you ever remember anyone saying: 'When I grow up I want to be a Guidance Consular'?