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Hopeless_J
Jan 10, 2007 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Leland

I'm in a crowded street,

I hold back the tears as I watch people by,

Sense the saddness hid within the eyes,

And my heart breaks for them,

Feel the pain inside.

Exhausted, dying some disgusting disease,

Tortured, Tormented,

Angry or lonely,

And if your suicidal,

Trust me they won't believe,

But me heart bleeds,

I feel the pain inside.

Hurting people can make you feel so small,

You know?

I know when your hurting cause I feel it all,

Feel it in my blood and maybe,

It's just theres so much fucking sorrow what forever burns me,

And we all truly know,

 

 

 

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louis

56 years 4 months ago

I know the feeling - the

I know the feeling - the intense feeling of empathy. Life so full of terrible examples of mortality. But I think how you're expressing it is a little unclear. Perhaps you could do more to explain your ideas through imagery. You may want to work on the pace ... How about this: Take the poem. Break it apart. Make each line separate - then mix it up randomly. Maybe you'll get a few ideas. Perhaps you'll find an order that works better for you. Don't be afraid to edit a poem. Just save a copy of the original as a separate file, and you'll hopefully have the confidence to mercilessly destroy your work - and then resurrect it looking much better. Just my thoughts. -Louis
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Hopeless_J

19 years 3 months ago

Thank you for reading. I

Thank you for reading. I think you understand exactly what I was going for with this one. I will (though it makes me nervous) try and peel this apart and rebuild it from the base. When you say I should explain through imagery, do you mean that rather than just using the words to describe emotions, that I should give examples of "the sadness"? (hopeless) Joey Cunningham Lennox
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Cathy

19 years 2 months ago

A little help I hope

Joey something I have been told and have been working on as well.. Is to not just put the feeling in there but put something with it.. for example.. I could feel the pain go thru me like a knife thru my heart Or i trembled like a toddler learning to walk Or it flowed wiledly like the rappeds of the river..  I dont know.. Maybe this will help a little on your question..

 

Cathy

dbaker

dbaker

19 years 3 months ago

your piece

Wonderful write about a sad subject. One bit of unsolicited bit of advice. Narrow your focus. You tell us that you can feel others pain. Tell us how it effects you! Bring it down to much more personal place. Nice to see Scotland represented on the place! Noawaywiye! goe write sumtin! My Grandparents were from Scotland by the by. Slante! California is proof that Hell is full, and the Dead walk the streets.
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Hopeless_J

19 years 3 months ago

Thank you for an amusing,

Thank you for an amusing, helpful and supportive comment. I've already had a similar comment about explaining "the saddness" more so, so I think thats something I will need to do in time. Thanks. BTW, I'd like to consider myself Brittish if anything. I've no loyalty or patriotism towards Scotland. (hopeless) Joey Cunningham Lennox
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Cherie

19 years 3 months ago

sad!

I feel your empathy...very well said. "Loving is so short. Forgetting is so long."- Pablo Neruda Cherie
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Hopeless_J

19 years 3 months ago

Thanks, sad is what I was

Thanks, sad is what I was aiming for. Very true about love and hurt. It's a hugely neggitive thing to discuss, but I need to try and expess it. (hopeless) Joey Cunningham Lennox
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Cathy

19 years 3 months ago

WOW

I can really relate to this one tonight.. As I am going thru a really bad time. As my poem I wrote today says.. So feel the pain you have in this one.. Glad I was able to read it.. Cathy
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Hopeless_J

19 years 3 months ago

Thanks Cathy, this one means

Thanks Cathy, this one means a lot to me. (hopeless) Joey Cunningham Lennox