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M4GG0TM3NT4L
M4GG0TM3NT4L
May 22, 2023 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

1777

I only want you, in my life
amongst all the misery, the strife
Angelic beauty unmatched by any
I'll do anything you ask,
menial tasks, hard labor

you're my god, my only savior
And how I despise you for it;
Spiraling further into my desire
Eternal flame, ever bursting fire,
it burns, it burns, it burns,
The longing, the lust,
I'd follow you anywhere
I love you
I love you
I love you

Drowning in
your flesh
I bite into you,
sacrilege, of sorts,
clawing into you
ripping you apart,
the only way to satiate
my voracious heart
stay.
stay with me.
even if I push you away.

More than anything I need you
And oh,
how I despise you for it,
tying me to this earth,
in which I am loved only by you.

You give me your kindness,
but oh lord,
I don't deserve it.
tearing into your skin and bone,
I really don't deserve it.

— M4GG0TM3NT4L, May 22, 2023

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: amurica

More from this author

Critiques

neopoet

neopoet

1 month 1 week ago

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem explores intense, conflicting emotions of desire, dependence, and resentment with vivid imagery and raw honesty. The speaker’s voice conveys a turbulent relationship with the beloved, who is simultaneously a source of salvation and suffering.

Strengths: - The repetition of "I love you" and "it burns" effectively emphasizes the consuming nature of the speaker’s passion. - The juxtaposition of reverence ("you're my god, my only savior") with resentment ("And how I despise you for it") creates a compelling emotional tension. - Physical imagery like "Drowning in your flesh," "bite into you," and "clawing into you" powerfully conveys the speaker’s desperate need and destructive impulses.

Suggestions for improvement: 1. **Line breaks and formatting:** Some lines feel uneven in length or spacing (e.g., "Drowning in / your flesh") which can disrupt the flow. Consider more consistent line breaks or indentation to enhance rhythm and readability. 2. **Clarify the relationship dynamic:** The poem hints at a complex, possibly toxic bond, but the nature of the relationship remains somewhat ambiguous. Introducing subtle details or metaphors that hint at the context—whether romantic, spiritual, or psychological—could deepen the reader’s understanding. 3. **Tone consistency:** The poem shifts between adoration, anger, and self-loathing. While this is effective, smoothing transitions between these emotions could make the narrative arc more cohesive. 4. **Word choice:** Phrases like "menial tasks, hard labor" feel slightly prosaic compared to the otherwise poetic language. Replacing them with more evocative or metaphorical expressions might strengthen the imagery.

Overall, the poem’s raw emotional intensity is its greatest asset. Refining structure and clarifying thematic elements will help the reader engage more fully with the speaker’s complex inner world.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to our contact form.

M4GG0TM3NT4L

M4GG0TM3NT4L

3 years ago

authors note!

i would like to tell you guys that i love my girlfriend very much and this is just expressing my horrible obsession w/ her!! i don't hate her at all n she's very nice to me everyday