Lolana

i've never felt normal, friends come and go, nobody ever stays

stimming in secret

masking in public


 

then prepubescence came

and i kept wondering why and why

i kept imagining my true love kiss with a girl

real women find a man

real women wear makeup,so i bought some blush

real women don't talk about politics

moving to a ivory town

the blackest person being an italian

resenting my skin

resenting my body

resenting myself

resenting

nobody wanted to date a girl with an airpod body

when was i gonna get a fat ass like a real black girl

men ignore me

call me ugly

im too fat

too dark

too much

my face is too round

i starve myself until my bones break

my body is now as fragile as my heart

im still ugly in the face though

i buy all the makeup

watch all the videos

still no one wants the dark girl

even the black boys

i've never fit in

i envy them

as i go through life

my unruliness rub people the wrong way

my social life is definitely divergent

i've never felt normal

stimming in secret

masking in public

then prepubescence came

and i kept wondering why and why

my true loves kiss felt better with a girl

real women find a man

real women wear makeup so i bought some blush

real women don't talk about politics

moving to a ivory town

the blackest person being an italian

resenting my skin

resenting my body

resenting myself

resenting


 

black people call me whitewashed

they say my african bootyscratcher self doesn't fit the black community

my skin is too dark for the cookout

im a fish being rejected from water

as my breast developed

they shame me more and more

tell me dress more modest

id rather dress like a man

but my mom says the world hates dykes

i got no attention from the boys

so now im sending nudes like hotcakes

praying for some attention

to prove im not that hideous

am i a lesbian, am i trans,

i call myself bisexual

but i know it sounds more heteronormative than lesbian

i dont always feel like a girl

but transphobia scares me more than anything


 

i see my people dying

all my people

but black families care more about shaming gay men than pedophiles

and white queers can't stop saying the n word

they ask what comes first being black or being a woman

but white girls bullied me until i bleed

black boys call me a ugly darkskin bitch

i have no home

my family doesn't understand me

neither do my friends

nobody at school even knows my name

im too meek to scream it

i try to seek positivity from the world

but the universe aint shit

president is a dictator

palenstine is dying

i try to talk about politics

but everyone in my school is too white to care

they stand red

laughing at the blue

i've conformed so much im invisible

when i try to yell my voicebox gets cut

im scared to go outside

my mind is yelling

my body is freezing

anxiety controls me

"what if, what will happen, what are they thinking" is more prominent than spongebob runtime on nick

when i try to stop being shy

my awkwardness proves why i shouldn't

neurodivergence and anxiety is an awful mix

and my mind is the bartender

i walk alone in life

i've always had to

all my friends are temporary

nobody carries the full weight of knowing me

ive longed for a sister

maybe it's because id have a built in bestfriend who i know couldn't leave me

i long for human connection

but im too scared to create it

and when i try

i stare too long, or i say the wrong thing, or my walks all wobbly

i hide everything about myself

my family doesn't know i like girls

it feels good keeping the peace

but it hurts knowing they might not come to my wedding

just because my groom is a bride

im wearing a disguise

i think i might be a guy

ill hide that inside

am i lesbian

my attraction to men is the only thing that keeps me assimilated to heterosexuality

i feel nothing when men kiss me

i just want their validation

so i know im not ugly

it's pathetic

but i just wanna be pretty

so i can't possibly be a lesbian

if i was then when did i send Connor a picture of my titties

obviously it wasn't because he thought i was witty

Connor doesn't even know me better yet love me, that feels shitty

the only men that like me are the ones online

because i control the narrative

they don't see me all the time

i get the choose the pictures

they don't see me in school at 9am, when i look ugly, they glance at my profile picture with my lips puckered to the nines and my morning skinny so i don't look chubby


 

i've settled on nonbinary because that seems to me match me best

but i know the he/they profile will sit there dusty like a treasure chest

so i never announce it to anyone

since they're gonna call me she

i guess in another life

ill be born with testes