Rewriting Memory

Ever been in a tempting situation
Where you knew you had a great chance of success
Even if you knew you were being selfish
As greed pushed you to give in to that excess

You ever thought about the aftereffects
And played the play on stage in your mind’s eye
Knowing indulgence is just one choice away
But your ethics and morals make you comply

There is another me, her name is the same as mine, Ana,
only in the morning when she wakes her eyes are darker
like my mother’s,
and she speaks to my husband while lying
on my pillow with that cheerful, playful voice of hers.
She kisses my daughter on the forehead, wishing her
good morning, and successfully hides from me
everything that escapes and falls away into the past.
There is, I tell you, another me,
she has the same last name as mine — Karakash —
she reads my books, and imagine!

Before I was made
with black lashes, bright eyes and red lips,
before I saw myself in the mirror,
I searched for your face and did not recognize you,
my blood remained cold, and my heart did not tremble.
My impotent husband is a kleptomaniac,
and his voice is my shell.
I say that I do not want to return
and I pack the unbearable stench
of spilled milk and I know what the lie is for.
I should sit aside and comb my hair.
I should be born again.
I should walk on high heels…
Once I was young,

Blink my eyes awake
Light streams in-
Too many sources.

Why does my brain feel so tight in inside my skull?

I’m in a room I’ve never seen before,
And I cannot move.
My body doesn’t feel like my body.

I don’t quite remember who I am, or ever was.

It stinks in here.
Sour.
Leftovers in the sun.

Someone is here,
And something happens.

I move towards the waste of rotting scraps.

Words can be a doorway to somewhere you don’t know,
Words can be an invitation to a place you’ve been longing to go,
Words can comfort a breaking fragile heart,
Words can be cruel shattering your world, blowing it apart,
Words can be as subtle as crystal clear water cleansing a tired spent body,
Words can be special bringing hopes and dreams in a sumptuous soliloquy,
Words can be something or nothing at all,
Words can be graffiti sprayed across a newly painted pristine wall,
Words can be deceitful shoved down your throat full of hate,

Take notes. These secrets have never before been told,
a sacred scroll herein I’m about to unfold.
Careful — ’tis an absolutely deadly code,
an elixir from the gods, sure to strike a man down cold.

First, lure him with the promise of love; then betray his trust.
In lieu of love, present to him lust.
Deny him affection until he turns bitter;
tell him to love he must have gold, or something far sweeter.

Many nights I cry myself to sleep
I awake with the same memories
I keep.
Grateful for being able to hold your hand to cross the street.
Grateful for the chance to teach you how to ride a bike.
Grateful to share what life is like.
I am the shell of a man since I lost you, my son.
There were so many things that were just never done.
Simple things like a walk on the beach or flying a kite,
what happened to you is just not right.
It’s hard for me to find any peace of mind knowing that you were taken way before your time.

While alive and well and living in Schwenksville,...