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Jun 07, 2012
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Tanka "Japanese Poetry Workshop"
Tanka: # 1
A ghastly screw up
The blue flashing behind me
A dreaded ticket
Twenty five years clean record
Down the drain one split minute
Tanka: #2
Tell tale smell of death
Secrets, lies, deceit finds light
Troubled sea rises
Pains from past immoral acts
Roll back stone thus uncover
Tanka: # 3
Brain freeze like a rock
Won't allow decisiveness
Builds stress when I try
A blinding force guides my thought
When making clear decisions
Tanka: # 4
In pursuit of life
Daily tasks are challenging
Forgetfulness strong arms me
Pushing though this mental fog
Fighting memory losses
— Barbara Writes, Jun 07, 2012
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About This Poem
Last Few Words: You only need one I got carried away
Editing Stage: Rough draft
Critiques
Roscoe Lane
14 years 1 month ago
Barbara,
I can't say i know a lot about Tanka, but i think what you've done hear is great work. Others who know more will no doubt guide you from here, but i believe you've made a great start. Love Roscoe...
weirdelf
14 years 1 month ago
in order
Tanka: 1 So damn near! The first 2 lines set a scene, the rest becomes humdrum life.
Tanka: 2 Yep, nailed it here.
Tanka: 3 good first line, the rest becomes descriptive rather than expansive
Tanka: 4 just descriptive
Tanka 2 is tanka!
get the idea? We're not just writing prose in syllables, we are carving gems from raw words.
Barbara Writes
14 years 1 month ago
Okay Jess
it seem from your comment that description has no place in Japanes poetry.
weirdelf
14 years 1 month ago
because every word counts for so much
I just feel that merely descriptive is not enough, it needs to evoke an emotion, feeling or sense of something larger.
Barbara Writes
14 years 1 month ago
I'm not at all sure.
Im not at all sure what you want, so I think I'll let them stand as is for now. Simply too much thought and work to rewrite to your liking right now.
X0X0
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