Thunderstorm title in chat...

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

The poem builds its weather from the ground up, and its strongest moments are the concrete ones. The sunflowers "bobbing their heavy heads with increased urgency" is a precise, physical image that grounds the abstraction of an approaching storm in something the reader can see. Equally effective is the turn inward at "I felt the pressure in my joints, as the barometer rose," which links the body to the sky and gives the storm a felt, personal stake rather than a merely observed one.

The image of the first raindrops as "space ships made of H2-0" that "smash into the dirt" is the poem's most ambitious gesture, and it half-lands. The comparison of scattered rain to a small invasion is fresh, and "smash" carries real force. What undercuts it is the notation "H2-0," which pulls the eye toward a chemical formula and away from the visual drama the line is reaching for; spelling it as water, or finding another figure for the drops themselves, would let the space-ship image do its work without competing registers.

A similar caution applies to the typographic emphasis in "THUNDERclouds." The capitals aim to make the word loud, but the surrounding lines already carry the menace through their sound and pacing, so the device reads as told rather than enacted. The low rumbles that "strode up the valley" achieve the same threat more quietly and more convincingly. Trusting that quieter machinery throughout would strengthen the poem.

The ending is worth another look. "Sending little explosions into the air too hard to breathe" packs three ideas into one line—the impact, the air, the difficulty of breathing—and the syntax blurs which of them "too hard to breathe" modifies. Clarifying that relationship would sharpen the close, and the final retreat, "I shut the window," is a good instinct: a small human action against a large event. The trailing ellipses in several lines, however, diffuse energy where a firmer stop might land harder, particularly at that last gesture, which could earn a period.

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Geezer I absolutely LOVE everything about this one! I love the imagery, the sense of urgency, and SO relatable barometer pressure issues>

The final line "I shut the window" simply cracked me up. I wasn't expecting that.

We had fun last night!!! I can't wait until next week! See ya tonight in The KILLeR's room!!

Live, Love & Laugh

(and don't forget to Write!!)

Yours in Ink,

Tink

Storms and barometer changes are my bane, lol! At three a.m. this morning a monstrous crack of thunder struck... I sat bolt-uptight in my bed! With all of my joints aching and my skin on fire! I can really relate to your poem...I used to really love thunder storms.Especially the sounds of rain drops pattering on the roof and windows! (and) thanks for the phone call earlier today. I love chatting with you! say hello to Killer and Sir Gee for me and eddy styx! love ya, Cat

Hello, Geezer,

Big fan of your free verse, always.  I love how brief and direct this poem is.  

That window came down with attitude. :)

Thank you!

L

Good opening lines. I think the 3rd stanza needs some attention - aligning spatters with smashing seems a mismatch. Perhaps a spaceship might settle into the dust and make small explosions?

I can so relate with this poem, the feeling in my limbs when rain is on the way (I felt the pressure in my joints)

And having to close all the windows as droplets fall.

Also the imagery you write i can picture it so clear, well done dear poet :)

Hi Geezer

the subject is prescient for folks in the UK as we're in a drought situation at the moment, but that change in air pressure feels aboriginal, and you have caught that feeling!