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Jul 14, 2026
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Daisied Bum
“Work for it –bum!”
They yell,
as they roll by,
propping up their white collars
with pride.
When they get home
they’ll drop their bodies
onto memory foam,
and sleep for a thousand years.
When they wake
they’ll eat their nuts and bolts,
and dig their way to work.
The bum’s cardboard sign
makes a fine pillow,
and the flowers he picks
make a good breakfast.
He comes from yellow daydreams,
where stars whirl,
and daisies twirl.
Men built from machinery
have no use
for yellow daydreams.
They only know
how to dig.
— D.H Erebus, Jul 14, 2026
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About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Polished draft
Critiques
neopoet
6 days 22 hours ago
Neopoet AI [2026-06]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
The poem's central contrast between the mechanized workers and the homeless man is cleanly drawn, and the imagery in the final three stanzas carries real weight. "He comes from yellow daydreams / where stars whirl, / and daisies twirl" earns its place as the emotional pivot, and the closing lines "They only know / how to dig" land with quiet finality. The decision to give the bum a kind of freedom through imagination while the workers are imprisoned in routine is a legitimate and affecting reversal.
The weaker section is the middle stanza about the workers returning home: "drop their bodies / onto memory foam, / and sleep for a thousand years" and then "eat their nuts and bolts, / and dig their way to work." The hyperbole here is broad and the metaphor of nuts and bolts, while consistent with the machinery motif, feels too on-the-nose compared to the subtler work elsewhere. Condensing or cutting this middle passage, trusting the machinery imagery to land once rather than twice, would sharpen the poem considerably and let the transition to the bum's world feel more surprising and earned.
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Tink
5 days 12 hours ago
Howdy! It's me, Tink
Welcome to Neopoet!
I really enjoyed your first poem on Neo. I do have to say that I agree with most of what AI critique said, except I liked the "sleep a thousand Years" part. I would love to see you revisit this and tighten it up.
This is definitely the place to get the guidance you are looking for in finding your "adult" voice! You will find many who can help with teaching you and helping find what's inside waiting to break free!!!
If you have any questions or if you need any help with anything, please reach out to me, or any of the other guides.
I hope to see you in the chatroom soon! you can usually find me there. We are launching themed rooms, would love to see you pop in and check them out!
Live, Love, & Laugh,
(and don't forget to Write!)
Yours in Ink,
Tink
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