AD day one

Its now 8am so says my phone on day 1 of the new calendar year AD (after draw)
I must be still alive
no-ones killed me yet and I dont remember killing anyone else
so thats a postive start
and the beginning and end of all positivity
theres no network to be found on my phone

The sound comes next
in fact it was there all through the night
you can probably hear them
if they havent got you yet
and your not one of them
I slept well somehow

The dog is shaking at the bottom of the bed
so no such luck for her
animals can sense danger
but the brave little tail still wagged at the word
out

they sound close
my street should be okay for now
few Englishmen Italians Algerians or Americans to be found here
not that that will stop them

8.10 turn on the radio
and can make out the faintest hiss in what sounds like German
all the antennia must have exploded with hyperbole
sometime through the night
 
8.20 walk the dog and see if the shop has survived~
this could well be my final journey
if anyone recognises me from my Churwell Lions under12s days
im done for
if only I had a Tennis racket or Cricket bat I might make it
however unlikely

The first thought of joining the mob slips in...

no no its wrong
I cant be a part of it
better death than that

I decide to describe the awful scenes on my phone
for future generations to ponder if any exist after this

Great wafts of St Georges flag shaped smoke fill the skies above the city in the distance
no doubt similar sights are to be found in London Manchester and Birmingham
I think the suns out but its impossible to tell
on ground level destrucion is everywhere
crude sketches of Rooney being stabbed with sharpened Vuvuzelas
are found scrawled in blood on the pavement and remaining walls of homes every 6 yards or so
with the words die die die and why why why

every few mintues the words Gerrard or Heskey can be heard
followed by the inevitable scream and rumbling sound of the chase
mobs feet

Im dressed head to toe in black by the way
I felt sure anyone found wearing white would be amongst
the first targetted
I Know this tactic will only buy me a short amount of time
before anything moving is up for grabs

The glorious safe haven of the local pub
The United BAR is now burned to the ground
as one of the main sources of the heinous propaganda
weve suffered these past few weeks that is little suprise
that will have been near the top of the list

Passing the Church of Leeds United on Elland Road
several young african children bow in silence with tears freely running down their
heavenly cheeks
how could it come to this

Nearing the shop now and its amazingly still open
but I must speed onwards
huge cranes are on route from the city building sites
surely to destroy the now unholy site of the stadium
I grab the only paper on offer
and check the headline on The Daily Sport
German flag flys over Buckingham Palace and downing Street
(in very small print)
the secondry headline proclaims
Elvis found working in a Barnsley chip-shop
nothing new there then

on joining the back of the queue Mrs Begum serving
seems to be getting her tongue around a strange indian-german-english sentance
So its true
reading on
as of 9pm tonight the English Language
is hereby banned to be replaced by German and/or Gaelic
All 9th year students are hereby asked to report to their local parks
for mass readings of Goethe and Schiller

Shakespear Blake and Rowling are hereby banned and must never be read performed or spoken
of again
Tesco are offering a free Gaelic to German dictionary with every book returned
mass burning to be held at 6pm tonight AD1

Princes Jurgen and Lothar unseen since 10pm last night are thought to be on route to Berlin
to join exiled Queen Gretchen
Andrea Murkel is reported to have offered the Cam/Clegg coaliiton ministers
positions of tea boy and office junior in the German Parliament if they choose to join
and is said to also welcome any survivors who can escape citizenship of the new motherland

In America Obama is repoted to have proudly announced that
Soccerball is the new World sport and anyone found using the term Football
will be held indefinatley in Ellis island
he also stounchly refutes any claim to be related to Ashley Cole however far removed

Sadly its said Sir Alex Ferguson didnt make it through the night
His headless body was found by his Wife Lady Ethel in his Study
at precisely 10.45pm yesterday evening -1 AD
shes thinks his head simply exploded with delight
His name is one of the First to be mooted
as Patron Saint of the newly found Celtic nation of Eng-ger-land-lol
the winner will be named in due course
It is thought Tom Jones and Billy Connolly are also in contention
both presumed alive at time of press

In the North and West of the isle a thunderous rumbling sound has been occuring throughout
the night thought be the sound of several million celts struggling to sleep due to continuos
chortling and snorting
scientists predict this habit could continue in the same vain for years or even decades

Finally we report the tragic news that Fabio Capello was found hanged in his Cape Town
Hotel room by the maid
His interpretor who had stayed with him throughout the ordeal
reported his last words to have been

I am very a happia man
a ger
we a play how you say good gamei
today

Im returning home now
but fear I will never make it back
as one of the many thousands of mobs
are congregating outside the local
capret warehouse opposite my home

what could they possibly have against carpets
I wonder
sounds a bit like Cape town scene of the great crime which caused this senseless violence
but no now I remember
the owners face
at the right angle he had a striking resemblance
to Frank Lampard
poor devil wont have stood a chance

I try to remeber any German from my school days
but only Becker and Beckenbuaer come to mind
and the words
MEIN GOTT
I fear this will not satify the mob to my allegiance
so I may as well hand myself in