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pavankumar
Jan 06, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Beautiful Lady

O Beautiful lady with glory all over
I bow at your feet, which are covered with flowers

O Beautiful lady with six different faces
But with compassion as your grace

O Beautiful lady with a reason
But with the power of season

O Beautiful lady with love towards all beings
I pray you with all my bearings

O Beautiful lady with modesty as your ornament
But with greenery as your garment

O Beautiful lady who is as beautiful as a bride
And that beauty is your pride

O Beautiful lady whose lips are red
And doesn’t let her veil shed

O Beautiful lady built with five different elements
But doesn’t has the quality of ailments

O Beautiful lady with Earth as your empire
Which resides under a ball of fire

O Beautiful lady with land as your home
And sky as its dome

O Beautiful lady covered with green trees
And this is extended to unbounded seas

O Beautiful lady with air as your facade
And that souvenir cascades on life

O Beautiful lady with the power of frost
And has the quality of host

O Beautiful lady with ecstacy for rainfall
And this makes me yell with joy after all

O Beautiful lady with the essence of nurture
But with the thought for future

O Beautiful lady who has bondage with everyone
But you do not depend on anyone

O Beautiful lady like a goddess of dreams
Gifting never ending realms

O Beautiful lady like a blossom bloom
Which gleams to remove the gloom

O Beautiful lady with chastity as your norm
But motherliness as your form

O Beautiful lady with power of charisma
I love you with great reverence

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

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Comments

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

14 years 3 months ago

Hello,

I am probably wrong, but this poem sounds like a tribute to Lady Nature. I think it is lovely. I have just one suggestion:

In this line: But doesn’t has the quality of ailments
(I think you should change the word has to have)

Welcome to Neo Poet!
always, Cat

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pavankumar

14 years 3 months ago

Hello Candlewitch,

Hello Candlewitch,

Ya that's very much true and thanks for the comments and the compliments

the_fool

the_fool

14 years 3 months ago

raw truth

your language, rhythm, beginning/ending and internal logic are spot on. the problem i had was the repetitve first line of every S. i thought that line would have more emphasis if it was only used every other or every third S.
but still, not bad.
keep 'em coming!

nullus anxietas,
t_f

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pavankumar

13 years 10 months ago

Thank you

I will consider your observation and I appreciate it too
Frankly speaking never made an observation of such level

Thanks once again for your valuable comments

wesley snow

wesley snow

14 years 3 months ago

I'm a rather old fashioned poet,

so I liked the repetition. Very medieval. I would have liked to see a more consistent meter throughout, but as I said I'm pretty old fashioned. The concept is marvelous. wesley

loved

loved

13 years 10 months ago

You appear to be an Eastern writer, delving into the English

sphere
you are a great original kind of creator ,
of free verse,
but as some one has already said above
repetition perhaps makes it slightly worse
and
perhaps a curse
so you dear poet in your own mind read and rehearse
and avoid the repetition in each
''shlokas'' type verse.

Well that's only my suggestion ,
score it out at the worse