memoir

It couldn’t have been too long ago when all of this started; in fact I vividly remember all of my experiences with him like it was yesterday. All the pain, and love, and anguish, all the spite, and rage, but above all, all the care and FEELING he made me possess for him or at all, all at once. He was definantly different and I regret giving him up every day when I’m shadowed by even the slightest memory of him. How could I have been so naïve to let such ‘perfection’ slip by me, or rather yet to push it away?

 

So lets start from the beginning when it all sprouted from nothingness to such magnificence. It was about a year ago, more or less, when I had started my second year in high school all confused and quarreled about what to do with myself. I had gotten into a disagreement with one of my closest friends and wasn’t sure if things would ever be the same again, which they weren’t of course. I would avoid going anywhere he was just so things wouldn’t become awkward. I would spend my lunch breaks in math class trying to help my teacher tutor others. I didn’t know anyone there but perhaps that was the beauty of it, no one knew me either and that was exactly what I was looking for, an escape from familiarity of friendships that always went sour. But as always there were one or two people who found it a necessity to rain on my parade. Two of my class fellows used to come by for extra help or so I thought they did any way. One day of course straying away from the subject of math we aimlessly entered a conversation into literature and how one of the young men, Bertan, were writing a book, a book on young romance. I had however had not the slightest idea of what was going on until his friend decided to blurt out all of his feelings towards me. Me being typical cynic I believed not one word, which proceeded to come out of his mouth, and carried on with my day paying no mind to the previous events that day. However he was persistent and would not let me hear the end of it. His name was Anthoni as I recall and he was sweeter than basket full of fresh picked strawberries covered in whipped cream and lightly topped with sugar. The last thing I wanted to do was become friends with him, all I wanted was my old life back and patch things up with my friend, that however never seem to come around. At every moment this Anthoni could spend time with me he would. I specifically remember walking down an empty stairwell with him one day hoping situations would turn for the better and I wouldn’t have to spend as much time with him, but now I would give anything to go back to that moment. Anthoni and I would dispute over everything every moment possible, but he stuck around, which I still don’t comprehend till to this day.

 

Fast-forwarding a month or two, I found this amazing boy and he, in some delusional state of mind, made me ‘happy’. So I decided to give to take a risk not taking Anthoni into consideration whatsoever. I had spent a little over two months with that boy when Anthoni let me know what was truly racing through his mind or heart. I remember it was a day we had planned to go out together and spend some time outside a studying nature. By this time of course we had become the best of friends and were inseparable, and when we weren’t together all we ever did was stay glued to the telephone until one of us fell asleep. It was a hot afternoon and I was sitting in my room trying to figure out what exactly it was that I should wear, as if that mattered even the slightest. I was on the phone with him and the topic of love came up, and he told me that there was a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, and that he simply loved me as a friend, I took every word of what he had said and disregarded it completely. We hung up and I went about doing my business, a minute later he called me back and told me that he was in love with me and that it took him the longest time to admit it to even himself. How was I to respond to such irritable words, in my opinion? Any one and everyone who had ever told me they loved be would always end up leaving, how was it any different this time. I was furious at the fact that he told me so late after I was already with someone else, how could he be so selfish and only care about what he feels and not understand what I was about to go through? Or was it selfish on my part for not considering him to begin with? He was so wholesome and generous and yet I was afraid to be with him. That night felt still, it was the night I felt alive without doing much at all. He was silent the entire time and so confused as to what to say to me next. But every moment that night is memorable. The taste of the orange juice we had to share, the cinnamon on the pretzel, even the smell of the air how it smelled so sweet yet hinted a bitterness I cant quite put my finger on. And his smile, how he only smiled once throughout the whole night because he wasn’t sure of what I would say.

 

     That was the last time I experienced peace. Throughout the next month both my boyfriend and my best friend urged me to pick between them. How could I do such a thing? Anthoni would and I spent long summer nights talking about the matter and ended up with no conclusion. Until one night he told me he would leave if I didn’t make a decision. He said he couldn’t bare the pain to stick around. And I spent all night on the phone with him, crying tears of not pain but ‘love’ trying to convince him to stay. I ended up choosing neither. I left my boyfriend and never gave my best friend a chance…

 

     Anthoni and I are now closer than ever and he is most definantly the reason why I conceive the things the way I do. My mentality is the way it is because Anthoni has brought a lot for me to realize. He is no longer the same person I first met, if anything he is the complete opposite. He no longer reminds me of strawberries in a picnic basket, but rather icicles on top of a snow top mountain. He has become as cynical and cold hearted as I am or was. But he has also become smarter and ingenious. He is the most influential aspect in my life. He thinks like no other and has the mentality of such greatness that I am proud to know that I am number one on his list and he on mine. Sadly I know now what he felt back then and only because I feel it now. IF I knew then what I know now things would have been presumed to be highly contradictory…but definantly different… However the word ‘IF’ is simply a vague statement for those who avoid logic and refuse to accept the present…