My Self Poem

some scary part of you...but a killer read...thanks for posting.

You asked for the raw so your gonna get it,lol. no offence I really like this I just thik it needs to be broken down to digest easier cause it is longer, also they're a few things that broke the flow for me so,if you don't mind I'd like to show you what I mean and you can consider it.there is two ways to do it ;explain or show I'd rather show ,i'm not good at explanations.Also the broken structure i'm not suggesting you change if it was on pupose it adds a certain element to the theme.So here goes ,and only because I really like this poem i'm taking so much time to comment on this one ,but remember just my opinion... The past has caused my dismal sight Abuse has caused my violence Ignorance has caused my impatience Though I stay,unwanted,out of spite Foul parasites feed upon me Cynical snakes stalk me Monsters coated in shadows Left me an empty shell I wish they were dead. I am existence through sheer defiance My mind disturbs me My thoughts cause my restless nights Poison tries to cloud my mind So I collect my escapes from reality In my dreams I float away I'm running towards a door Though I run as fast as I can I implore the worshiped sandman I never reach my destination He never grants my request So every night I lie awake Instead of gaining well deserved rest Glaring out the window I scrutinize the waxing and waning Of the fiend who sears my eyes And mocks my insomnia Growing brighter and brighter still Laughing at my exhaustion But through the light there's always dark Impenetrable,unyielding dark It slowly envelopes me Seeming to swallow me up Then spit me right back up As if mortified by the taste In the morning I awake. I drag myself out of my sanctuary To tread through the dregs of society The hiss and snap at every step I take The boast of their lack of knowledge Nevr knowing they're risking their lives To dance with the Devil Their looks are ones that long for return But in return all they get is looks Of contempt,of utter repulsion, Of those who are the very waste Of the flesh in which they sin I am an intruder in their wastelands. One who will end the life Of any who try to impend on my own With one swift movement of stainless steel I will continue to my destination With no further thought of the incident That threatened my hindrance After idle hours and thoughts of blasphemy I went back to yhe place I knew so well Where it reeks of the insane and confused Also known as the seventh circle of hell Selfish monsters ranting about their superiority Readily angered and eager to stike I'm notably agitated during the day My only peace reveals itself at night I remain still so as not to wake the disturbed And glower at the snickers of the taunting moonlight. It's just easier to stay focused and and get the strength of your words.I didn't put it in any specific structure,just breaks where they sounded in my ear. Again ,just me.I really like your poem.Lacy, Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.

Excuse my spelling,lol. Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.

I sometimes get like that, then I look to prayer and sanity to keep me afloat. Smiles:) Barbara

For me, I loved the lack of breaks, the unrelentingness (is that a word?) of the assault. THIS IS ME--THIS IS WHO I AM--ALL OF IT--THE WHOLE DAMN THING--AND I AM PROUD OF WHO I AM: ALL MY BUMPS, ALL MY SCARS, AND ALL MY MISTAKES. PERIOD. Wonderful stuff. I think you could (could, you don't have to, the rawness of the poem is part of the poem, and works) clean it up a bit, especially in the second half, but it would have to be done very carefully. There is such spirit and will in the poem; the fear would be the loss of your character. Why put makeup on a beautiful girl? And, as you say, "I stay, though unwanted, out of spite."

saturated in this piece.....I think Calliope is on the right track, and I suggest listening to her advice. This does have great potential. Thanks for sharing. Tom

Wow this is powerful and well written. Yes I agree it does need to be cleaned up a bit - maybe arranged into stanzas to make it clearer and easieron the eye but apart from that I wouldn't change too much. I especially liked these lines. To dance with the Devil Their looks are ones that long for return In return all they get are looks Of contempt and utter repulsion Of those who are a waste Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

In days of old Keats, Shelley and other poets like that could write poems in this format, the longer the better for readers at that time (this is just me talking)as their readers were the class who could take the time in their reading, and re-reading. I prefer to read it as caliope sets it out, as this also allows your brain to absorb each gem before moving on. As if mortified BY the taste I feel there is a line missing after 'I implore the worshipped sandman', or perhaps implore isn't the right word here. I have only suffered from insomnia a couple of times in my life - and the desperation to sleep is like a torture. You have captured that feeling so well. Thank you

Lacy, this for me was a powerful experience and a sad one. I wonder how you find relief? The form works fine for me. I don't know I guess it might be polished here and there. Really a tough day where feeling by yourself is no fun. Truly, Mark

When I read your poem it felt like i was a boxer back on the ropes being pounded relentless to my knees. For that reason alone Lacy is absolutely right to suggest some breaks because you stop listening to the words and feel only the pain...and we want to listen to your words because they have much to say and absorb. Its strange really that your insomnia seems to have led you to rant at and malign the moon...and yet it is your symbol. When I had long-term insomnia sometimes it felt as if the moon was my only friend. Of course its pull controls the tides and exerts profound emotional effects on susceptible humans but i have only ever seen it as benevolent even when invoking madness. It is a great poem though and you have received some very good advice on how to make it have the maximum impact on your readers. Keith PS very small point, and a mistake often made,it is "envelops" not "envelopes"

This is a powerful piece,put it to good use ,your very talented,you said you had to read this in class ,how old are you if you don't mind me asking?And Proff,I make that same mistake every time,'envelops',lol,not lick the stick envelopes,lol. Lacy, Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.

you may want to consider replacing "left" with "leave" in line 7, as the poem is all in the present tense excepting that one line. otherwise, i enjoyed this. but, i generally am a fan of the darker, motive driven perspective style work. and this is right up my dark alley. thanks for posting. Niki

I can so much relate to the guts of this poem. As was already stated, it is quite a ride! Always, Cat

I'll bet the broomstick gets good gas mileage, though. Yours in peace, Synchro

It's not bad, but not the best it could be. Excellent word choice though.

I wonder if you wrote it as mad as I read it? It still is a great read and I'm glad I came back. Thanks again, mark

after reading this several times I don't know which is right: breaking it into distinct verses would make it more rhythmical, and possibly more understandable, but the anarchist in me loves the rawness and chaotic anger of the piece, even while the rhythm and structure impose order on the lines themselves. Perhaps re-structure it into two or three verses at the beginning, the same at the end, and let the middle be a rising tide of anger and defiance? That might work. Whatever you choose, this is one hell of a good write. Very well done indeed. Respectfully, Jim