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barbsdad2003
Aug 31, 2007 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

If Only

 

I lie in dark and quite

Imagine what this life

Would be

 

For me

 

If I were blind as

Plaintive bats

Or sightless bureaucrats.

 

On another hand …

I would so

 

Like to know

Just what my future’d be

 

If only I might ably see.

About This Poem

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Country/Region: USA

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Comments

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barbsdad2003

18 years 8 months ago

OK. Here goes:

1) I did not write "blind as a bat." 2) From my experience, bats (especially the old bats) complain (and gossip) as much as the rest of us. 3) "For me" standing alone makes the line (and the piece) all the more powerful. And of course would cause my preacher father to twist in his grave ... since any inclusion of self in any conversation amounts to the sin of pride. Also, nonsense versifying has its own set of rules, if you can call them rules. Breaking the structure of a poem can be fun. Try it sometime. It's therapeutic, too. 4) If you don't understand "ably see," I guess I can't help you there. Sorry. 5) I'm also sorry you couldn't be more positive. A more creative writer would have found a way. Thanx for the encouragement. Chuck
B

barbsdad2003

18 years 8 months ago

6)

Michael, you commented: "if you're in the dark, then you cannot see at all." I made no implication that the potential activity of ably seeing would take place in the dark. I don't know why you inferred it. It's irrelevant anyway, as many seeing people CAN see in the dark. My advice to you: When you are interested enough to remark on a poem, it would pay for you to first read it carefully. Welcome to NeoPoet. Chuck
E

Emmanuel Moore

18 years 8 months ago

Only If

Without sight something is made stronger.Without one sense another feels the void.A bat has sonar capabilities,maybe it's not your hearing that's affected.Maybe your sense of touch, to make others feel that of which you speak.What if that which you speak been there,it's you who wishes not to see it. Mistakes are only learning tools To change is a chance of virtue The future is unseen for everyone You can ask anyone if you feel it ain't the truth.
Mark

Mark

18 years 8 months ago

Chuck You ...

you bring nothing but smiles to my face. sightless bureaucrats - if only I might ably see 'Don't know how you do it - poet! Mark L
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Quillsvein1

18 years 8 months ago

minimal

and gut wrenchingly powerful. this searching over the future that we all engage in (even though we've never been there), and the very real fear and envy of the "sightless bureaucrats". an experience we've all had put into a jaw breaking little poem. great job!
I

IKnowNoBox

18 years 8 months ago

A Strong Vision

I translated books to Brallie and any poem with a command of ones senses,well ... I must read you. Simply, Dabbler
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purplemoondoll

18 years 8 months ago

Brilliant

This is awesome work Chuck. Kaz x
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Patricia_legacy

18 years 8 months ago

just a comment

This poem is brilliant! You said so much with so few words. Bravo!
M

Michael Landau

18 years 8 months ago

There's room for improvement here

I think blind as a bat is a fairly overused cliche. How are bats plaintive? They don't really strike me as being all that sorrowful. I don't understand what you made the second stanza " For me" only one line. Doesn't it break from the structure of the rest of the poem? I don't quite understand your use of "ably see". First, it sounds kind of awkward to me. Second, if you're in the dark, then you cannot see at all. So, what does it mean to say if only I might see competently, with skill or ability? Sorry I couldn't be more positive.