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A
ab

a rendezvou with sin

It was a rendezvou with wrong dressed up to look like right Deception served our treacherous hearts to dim revealing light She stood before me, trembling, clothe in want to be unclothed and I had come to satisfy her sacrificial pose An old aquaintance met by chance, come to tempt my soul and I no different in her eye if truth to us be told Forbidden fruit upon our lips, the keepers out of sight Two lies that came to trade themselves on the alter of delight Why yield with such abandon? The apple wasn't mine The snake's relentless whisper, "Come to me and dine" "What harm in wrong?No one knows what's hidden from the light" But morning rose upon my bed and sun revealed the night What no one knew awoke in me, I became the lie The serpent smiled, someone knows - The me within the I.

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Skumpfsklub

18 years 1 month ago

Content delivered, mechanics okay

There's a solid beat to this piece, and the rhymes should work well enough as mnemonic. I thought the rhythm too jaunty; the content would seem better supported with a 'talkier' rhythm, i.e, something a little less uniformly iambic tetrameter. A judicious dactyl placed here or there wouldn't hurt. Content is interesting. I've very few 'oh, poop, I really messed up' moments in my history--but I'm cowardly, not at all venturesome. I would have been unshocked, though, had the speaker arisen the next morning feeling pretty good about the affair. But your contrast of 'me' and 'I' points at an explanation. Perhaps too subtly. I almost missed it--and you can take me as an average poetry reader.