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Nov 09, 2025
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The wife plays nurse Nightingale while her husband...
convalescences in sickbay
from irritable bowel syndrome,
the Flip (Wilson) side of constipation,
a disorder of the lower gastrointestinal (GI) tract,
which includes the small intestine
and large intestine (colon)
essentially a problem
with how the intestines function,
causing symptoms like abdominal cramping,
bloating, and changes in bowel habits.
Any room in our
one bedroom apartment accessed
as my place of bedrest
which might find me seated
upon the commode
or lying supine on the Lazy boy
E-Z chair fully dressed
defies mine surly sour grapes
physical state where diarrhea doth erode
as if I swallowed Liquid Plumber
and complete rectal purging finessed
prior to the wife going to sleep,
she prepared me soup to goad
to withhold urge
to defecate impossible mission
I feel hard-pressed
to impose restraint
against the trademark symptom
of gaseousness finding me shell shocked
and ready to implode
laughter the best medicine,
thus yours truly doth jest
cause almost forty years shigella
contracted at July fourth Rainbow
family gathering he knowed
quite well, cuz no sooner
did sphincter muscles spasmodically
contract and expand in tandem
with anus expelled lest
I attempt to stand up
from hole in the ground
which grass grew hardy
and warrants being mowed
quite frequently hopefully
not disrupting any wild animal nest
and to think that some areas
within the webbed wide world
still lack proper sanitation,
where modern plumbing outmode
did courtesy primitive privy,
a breeding ground for
more than one disease causing pest,
now not deceived courtesy
paved yellow brick road
criss crossed with military tanks
heavily armored, tracked combat vehicles
designed for front-line warfare,
equipped with powerful guns
for direct fire
and machine guns manned
by a small number of soldiers
squabble over a spit
of land for defense cannot rest
in peace until no fighter left standing.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
5 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem presents a complex weaving of personal experience, medical detail, and broader social commentary, which is an ambitious and intriguing approach. The detailed description of irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) grounds the poem in a physical reality that is often stigmatized or overlooked, and this clinical language juxtaposed with colloquial and humorous expressions creates a distinctive voice.
The poem’s strength lies in its candidness and the way it uses bodily experience as a metaphor for larger issues, such as sanitation and conflict. The transition from the intimate setting of a one-bedroom apartment to the global concerns about sanitation and warfare is bold, though at times the shifts feel abrupt. Clarifying or smoothing these transitions could help the reader follow the thematic progression more naturally.
The use of humor and candid bodily imagery is effective in disarming discomfort, but some lines could benefit from tighter editing to enhance rhythm and clarity. For example, the phrase “Liquid Plumber and complete rectal purging finessed” is vivid but somewhat cumbersome; reconsidering word choice or line breaks might improve flow.
The poem’s concluding image of military tanks and conflict introduces a powerful metaphor but feels somewhat disconnected from the earlier sections. Developing this metaphor more fully or linking it more explicitly to the earlier themes of illness and sanitation could strengthen the poem’s cohesion.
Overall, focusing on structural coherence, refining language for rhythm, and ensuring thematic connections are clear will enhance the impact of this piece.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
5 months 1 week ago
I got it...
in one! LMFAO... [which in this case, might be preferable,] I recognize the metaphor likening our lower bowels and excretory system to the current political climate of a humid, swamp infested with vermin and particularly vicious germs of ancient origin, [as far back as the famed 'Garden'], when 'That Snake' decided to undermine the 'Great Authority'. Anyway, great stuff!
~ Geez.
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