Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

As I wander!

An endless wave,
of options are laid
before mine eyes.

Something bold
and hopeful,
fills the broken sky.

Ominous and foreboding,
your wheels begin to turn,
something deep and perilous,
initiates a burn.

Your life is held for ransom,
because of your misdeeds.
The seeds which you have planted,
have grown to noxious weeds.

A course laid out before you,
which you have not foreseen.
You walk a lone and twisted path,
into a dark ravine!

The things which you control,
are few and far between.
Solutions aren't available,
to rectify the scene.

Your bridges all are burning,
the fire out of control,
The future is unveiling,
A place there on death row!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: No one truly understands the throws of mental illness and age, except those who partake. It takes your credibility and throws it in the drink!

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Ogden, Utah, USA

Favorite Poets: Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, Sting, Eric Bloom , and all of the poets at neo.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

neopoet

5 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

The poem presents a journey through uncertainty and consequence, employing a consistent tone of foreboding and regret. The structure is composed of short stanzas, each with a clear focus, which helps to maintain momentum and thematic coherence. The use of exclamation in the title and final lines adds urgency, though the exclamation mark in the title feels somewhat disconnected from the poem’s predominantly somber mood.

Imagery is a central strength, with references to “broken sky,” “noxious weeds,” and “bridges all are burning” providing vivid metaphors for internal and external turmoil. However, some images—such as “your wheels begin to turn” and “initiates a burn”—feel less precise and could benefit from further development or specificity to avoid abstraction.

The poem’s diction alternates between archaic (“mine eyes”) and contemporary, which may distract the reader unless intentionally juxtaposed for effect. Consistency in voice and tense would strengthen the poem’s cohesion.

The rhyme and meter are largely irregular, which can be effective in conveying disorientation but may also disrupt the reading experience. If intentional, this could be emphasized further; if not, attention to rhythmic flow and line length could enhance the poem’s musicality.

The narrative voice shifts between first and second person, which introduces ambiguity regarding the speaker and the subject. Clarifying the relationship between “I” and “you,” or maintaining a single perspective, could deepen the emotional impact.

The poem’s progression from possibility (“endless wave of options”) to inevitability (“death row”) is clear, but the transition between hope and despair could be more nuanced. Currently, the shift is abrupt, and exploring the tension between these states might add complexity.

Overall, the poem effectively explores themes of consequence and fate through strong imagery, but would benefit from greater consistency in voice, more precise language, and a more gradual emotional arc.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

5 months 2 weeks ago

mental illness...

Is something that more are falling victim to its horrible debasing clutches. I understand completely. It feels like a life sentence and carries with it a stigma. It feels like a branding of the body and soul! I like the way you have captured it in poetry!

The things which you control,
are few and far between.
Solutions aren't available,
to rectify the scene.

Your bridges all are burning,
the fire out of control,
The future is unveiling,
A place there on death row!

thanks for posting this, my dear friend! love, Cat

Sen99

Sen99

5 months 1 week ago

Nice one Leslie .......

.... you kept the tension building in this one,  a good narrative flow, some incisive rhymes, keeps reader 

engaged to the end, the last stanza and line the most intense.

well scribed. good share

Sen