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This poem is part of the challenge:

10/25 Under The Influence

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Who's Stupid?

Three on the clock,
afternoon, time to rock!
Hot, early September day
Karla says, "come, let's play."

She, my best friend
so tight to the end,
sisters not of blood
but of hot tears flood!

With each other we shared
secrets of shame bared.
my mother, her father
anger maxed, a foaming lather!

At times kids need to get away
from parents and their sway
we knew better to give in (but)
a party was on, was it a sin?

Basement, tunes and booze
spin the bottle, let it cruise,
Eleven, rolls around
quiet now, split, no sound...

Party host ushers us out
we fly, spilling the stout,
split up at the crossroads
sober, as I neared my abode.

Inside, Norma and her clone
livid eyes staring at the phone...
"Where were you, why so late?
So I told her, consigned to my fate

"Went to a party and had a beer"
All was silent as I felt no fear.
The neighbors all heard her outcry
(something is seriously wrong with your brain!)
ARE YOU TOO STUPID TO LIE???

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Norma's clone was my oldest sister, Kathryn. She became Norma Junior!

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more., Candlewitch

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neopoet

neopoet

5 months 3 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem uses a narrative structure to recount a coming-of-age episode centered on friendship, rebellion, and parental confrontation. The poem’s tone shifts from playful camaraderie to tension and judgment, culminating in the mother’s accusatory outburst. The title, “Who’s Stupid?”, is echoed in the poem’s final line, framing the piece as an exploration of honesty versus social expectations.

The poem’s strengths include its clear narrative arc and use of dialogue, which help to establish character and voice. The friendship between the speaker and Karla is rendered with specificity (“sisters not of blood / but of hot tears flood”), and the poem effectively conveys the emotional stakes of adolescent secrecy and parental authority.

There are some inconsistencies in meter and rhyme scheme. The poem alternates between rhymed couplets and unrhymed lines, and the rhythm varies from line to line. This irregularity can create a sense of spontaneity, but it also disrupts the flow, particularly in stanzas where the rhyme is forced (“anger maxed, a foaming lather!”). Consider whether a more consistent form would serve the poem’s narrative, or whether the looseness is intentional to reflect the chaos of the situation.

The diction is conversational, with moments of heightened language (“foaming lather,” “consigned to my fate”). The use of direct speech (“WENT TO A PARTY AND HAD A BEER”) adds immediacy, but the shift to all-caps in the final line is visually jarring. If the intention is to convey the mother’s volume or intensity, this could be achieved through description or italics instead of typographical emphasis.

The poem’s emotional climax is effective, but the closing question (“ARE YOU TOO STUPID TO LIE???”) introduces a layer of irony and social commentary that could be developed further. The poem gestures toward themes of honesty, shame, and the expectations placed on children, but these are left implicit. Expanding on the speaker’s internal response to this accusation could deepen the poem’s impact.

Overall, the poem succeeds in capturing a specific adolescent experience and the complexities of parent-child dynamics. Greater attention to form and further development of the poem’s thematic concerns could enhance its resonance.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

5 months 3 weeks ago

hello Michael,

I am glad you enjoyed this little peek into my beginning teen years. Thank you for reading and responding :)

 

very fondly, Cat

Rula

Rula

5 months 3 weeks ago

Dearest Cat

Another memory evoked, good or bad  I think it doesn't much matter as it becomes part of the past. 

I hope you'd live long and have more and more good things to remember.

I'm happy to see that your amuse is visiting again, so that we're having the joy to read more from your quill.

Thank you for sharing dear

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

5 months 3 weeks ago

Beautiful Rula,

I am glad you have responded to my poem. It is always good to hear from you...it puts a smile on my face >{^*;*^}<  much love, your Candle-Cat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unca Fez

Unca Fez

5 months 2 weeks ago

Too Stupid To Lie?

I would say that Norma was too stupid to see the value of not lying.  Lies tend to grow a life of their own and become very hard to manage.  It's easier to tell the truth and take the consequences.

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

5 months 2 weeks ago

Yep!...

Her whole life was a network of fabrication. You got a front row seat for it! the only lie I ever told her was the last thing she heard from me...that I forgave her for all the things she did to me (when she asked for my forgiveness at the end. It ripped my heart out. To say those three words...

your Cat