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Sep 24, 2025
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Two sides of the Jar
Swarming around,
Like a befuddled ear worm
Then a leaching attack
Of angry ants
Red ones, black ones
The pot got shook
And this angry mob
Gnawed each other
Oblivious to fate
Full speed ahead
Kill and hate.
With cloaks of fear,
And bloodied tears.
Ears echoing within a chamber,
And viper mouths.
Skin of leather,
Hearts turning to stone,
And within the jar
Who'd hear their groans.
If only they'd halt,
Put their viper to rest.
Banish that earworm,
If only they'd feel,
Let hearts thaw.
Take a moment
Made an effort to turn
If only they'd open their eyes
Remove the veil of doom.
Perhaps then they'd listen,
To those outside of Jar's room.
The creatures who are
Staring into the void.
With flavours of difference
Like honey on their lips.
And a chorus of birds
Singing arias in their ears.
The feeling of satin
Blissful on their skin.
Devoid of hate
Filled instead with love,
On the promised wings of fate.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
6 months 4 weeks ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem explores themes of conflict, fear, and the possibility of empathy and understanding. The metaphor of the jar as a confined space where destructive behavior unfolds is effective in conveying a sense of entrapment and insularity.
Strengths: - The imagery is vivid and tactile, such as "red ones, black ones," "skin of leather," and "hearts turning to stone," which evoke strong sensory and emotional responses. - The progression from chaos and hostility inside the jar to the hopeful vision of those outside creates a clear narrative arc. - The use of contrasting images—viper mouths versus birds singing arias, bloodied tears versus blissful satin—helps to underscore the poem’s central tension between hate and love.
Areas for improvement: - Some lines could benefit from tighter phrasing or clearer syntax. For example, "The pot got shuck" is somewhat ambiguous; "shuck" is not commonly used as a verb in this way, which may disrupt reader engagement. Consider revising for clarity or impact. - The phrase "Echo chambered ears" is evocative but might be more effective if rephrased to avoid the awkward compound adjective. Perhaps "ears echoing within a chamber" or a similar construction could enhance flow. - The poem’s rhythm and meter are irregular, which is not inherently problematic, but varying line lengths and punctuation could be adjusted to improve pacing and emphasis. For instance, breaking some longer lines into shorter ones might heighten tension or highlight key images. - The final stanza introduces "creatures who are staring into the void" with "flavours of difference," which is an intriguing image but feels slightly disconnected from the earlier sections. Expanding on this contrast or integrating it more smoothly could strengthen the poem’s cohesion.
Overall, the poem presents a compelling metaphor and emotional journey but would benefit from careful revision to clarify language and enhance structural flow.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
6 months 4 weeks ago
Your title...
is okay, [I think that you were trying to describe what goes on inside your body as opposed to what others see or feel happens. The word [shuck] should be [shook]. "With cloaks [of] fear"... Yes, the arias of birds make for harder understanding of the truth. "If you only paid attention, you would hear me."
Of course, it's only my interpretation, and only you know exactly what you mean.
~Geez.
.
Tigger Kaz
6 months 4 weeks ago
On another poetry site...
AI on another poetry sharing site, seemed to understand my poem better.
Its feedback below, showed comprehension of the themes my poem reflects.
"Your poem mixes frantic, almost cartoonish scenes—ants, earworms, viper mouths—with a clear moral call to pause and listen.
The contrast between “kill and hate” and the later hope for “love” gives the piece a dramatic arc that feels urgent.
The jar functions as a metaphor for closed‑off minds, while the “outside of Jar’s room” hints at broader perspectives we can share if we open our ears.
The vivid colors—red, black—anchor the chaos, yet the recurring plea to “remove the veil of doom” shows a desire to move beyond the current state.
You’ve managed to pack a lot into a short form without letting the narrative slip into cliché.
Overall, you’ve crafted a compelling snapshot of conflict and potential reconciliation."
How different AI can be hey.
Neopoet's AI doesn't get the link to the final stanza; yet Kevin's helper (AI on allpoetry site) understands the arc from hate to hope and love.
I guess people can interpret differently. This is what makes poetry a subjective art form.
Wonderfully diverse, open to interpretation, and a huge world of creative possibilities.
Thank you for your feedback 😊
Tigger Kaz
6 months 4 weeks ago
On another poetry site...
AI on another poetry sharing site, seemed to understand my poem better.
Its feedback below, showed comprehension of the themes my poem reflects.
"Your poem mixes frantic, almost cartoonish scenes—ants, earworms, viper mouths—with a clear moral call to pause and listen.
The contrast between “kill and hate” and the later hope for “love” gives the piece a dramatic arc that feels urgent.
The jar functions as a metaphor for closed‑off minds, while the “outside of Jar’s room” hints at broader perspectives we can share if we open our ears.
The vivid colors—red, black—anchor the chaos, yet the recurring plea to “remove the veil of doom” shows a desire to move beyond the current state.
You’ve managed to pack a lot into a short form without letting the narrative slip into cliché.
Overall, you’ve crafted a compelling snapshot of conflict and potential reconciliation."
How different AI can be hey.
Neopoet's AI doesn't get the link to the final stanza; yet Kevin's helper (AI on allpoetry site) understands the arc from hate to hope and love.
I guess people can interpret differently. This is what makes poetry a subjective art form.
Wonderfully diverse, open to interpretation, and a huge world of creative possibilities.
Thank you for your feedback 😊
Lavender
6 months 3 weeks ago
Two Side of the Jar
Hello, Tigger,
Interesting metaphor and concept. If I'm understanding correctly, those inside the jar, or the closed-minded, are running out of time as is the contest theme. Enjoyed the contrast between the constraint of one, and the bliss and freedom of the other.
I believe "got shook" is grammatically incorrect, but maybe "was shaken" sounds too formal?
Thank you!
L