01/25 I survived

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Success

Success, a phantom on a distant shore,
Her siren song lures me to strive for more.
I navigate the currents, dark and swift,
Where hidden reefs and treacherous tides drift.

I've felt her breath, a whisper on the breeze,
A fleeting glimpse through rustling autumn trees.
A sense of promise, carried on the air,
A whispered hope beyond all earthly care.

Not a possession, but a constant quest,
A burning ember in my hopeful breast.
To chase the dawn, to greet the rising sun,
And know the journey and the goal are one.

I bow not to a hand, but to the call
Of growth and change, embracing rise and fall.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: USA the bay state, United Kingdom, Australia, South Africa, Nigeria, Canada, Europe, USA

Favorite Poets: Mary Oliver: Known for her accessible and spiritual poetry that draws heavily on observations of the natural world. She often finds profound lessons and connections in the mundane, from a walk in the woods to the flight of a bird. , Robert Frost: While sometimes seen as a poet of rural life, his work is rich with observations of nature, which he often uses to explore themes of human isolation, choices, and the relationship between humanity and the natural world. , Walt Whitman: A central figure in American poetry, he celebrated nature as a force of unity and a reflection of the human spirit. His work often connects the individual to the vastness of the cosmos and the natural world. , William Wordsworth: A key figure in the Romantic movement, he emphasized the spiritual and emotional connections., Jess Taper: his profess of concentrated awareness of experience in poetry in true freestyle was profound.

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Comments

neopoet

1 year 3 months ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Success" effectively uses metaphors and vivid imagery to convey the elusive and challenging nature of success. The use of nautical symbols, such as "phantom on a distant shore", "navigate the currents, dark and swift", and "hidden reefs and treacherous tides drift", paints a picture of the perilous journey towards success. This metaphorical language is consistent and well-executed throughout the poem, contributing to a cohesive theme.

The poem also explores the concept of success as a process rather than an endpoint. This is expressed through the lines "Not a possession, but a constant quest" and "And know the journey and the goal are one". This philosophical perspective adds depth to the poem and invites the reader to reflect on their own understanding of success.

The rhythm and rhyme scheme of the poem are consistent, contributing to its overall flow. However, the meter could be improved in some lines to enhance the poem's musicality. For example, the line "A burning ember in my hopeful breast" could be revised to maintain the iambic tetrameter present in most of the poem.

The poem could also benefit from more specific imagery. While the general metaphors work well, adding more concrete details could make the poem more engaging and relatable. For instance, instead of "I've felt her breath, a whisper on the breeze", the poet could describe a specific moment or sensation that encapsulates this feeling.

Lastly, the poem's exploration of success is somewhat abstract. While this allows for a wide range of interpretations, it could also be seen as a missed opportunity to delve into the complexities of success. The poet could consider incorporating personal experiences or observations to provide a more nuanced perspective on success.

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kowque

1 year 3 months ago

Oooh

That last line gave me a very new perspective on a journey and the goal itself.

Very clever word usage here. I love how you used imagery in a very clear way to convey a particular feeling- a drive. I'm a fan of poems that are very overt. I think you captured that here.

Rula

1 year 3 months ago

A wonderful theme

Mark. I see you've given this such an effort to maintain the iambic and syllable count steady "almost" throughout.
I enjoyed the read immensely!
Thank you for sharing indeed.