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Apr 19, 2011
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once, we were lovers
when time
was limitless
and boundaries
held no place
beyond imagination
we languished
in the unknown
til refuge was sought
in now familiar things
a fleeting look
a gesture
our unspoken words
but all too soon
minutes fell between
the silence of us
to compete
against the hours
until ties
were severed
distance
became
our adversary
— 49reasons, Apr 19, 2011
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About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Rough draft
Critiques
Eduardo Cruz
15 years 3 months ago
Juls
I enjoyed this, even though it seemed a little cliche.
As you know there is nothing that has not been written about. the art of poetry to me is to take what has been written and put a new twist or outlook on it.
Still, I enjoyed it very much, because you constructed it very well.
one thing I think you don't need the "and" in the last stanza:
"distance became
our adversary
once more"
that just me.
49reasons
15 years 3 months ago
Eddie
the 'and' has now gone.
A very rough draft so I know this one will have many edits
thanks again for reading and your suggestion
CCfire
15 years 3 months ago
Hey you
I would have ended it with 'adversary' I don't think it needs the rest. I also don't think you need the line 'wanting forever' it's too cliche for me. Apart from that I like it, is this the one you said you hadn't posted yet when I spoke to you yesterday?
49reasons
15 years 3 months ago
yes, it's the one.
yes, it's the one.
first fresh write in weeks. *shrug*
ok, off to edit
CCfire
15 years 3 months ago
What happened to your user
What happened to your user pic? lol
49reasons
15 years 3 months ago
I have no idea
maybe the neopoet fairy ate it :D
I've put another one up
Eduardo Cruz
15 years 3 months ago
Juls
Funny it shows up when you go to write a comment.
Where's Juls?
ureika, it's back Hahaha!
49reasons
15 years 3 months ago
the neopoet fairy definitely
the neopoet fairy definitely ate it Eddie. I had to reload a picture. Thinking about it, maybe the fairy decided they didn't want to see my face lol
Eduardo Cruz
15 years 3 months ago
Oh stop!
it's a pretty face, If anything it was Jealous..
49reasons
15 years 3 months ago
thank you
kind sir :)
CCfire
15 years 3 months ago
That was weird for all my
That was weird for all my comments with you there was none and now it's back..tricky little Neopoet fairy :P
49reasons
15 years 3 months ago
lmao
I had to re-load a picture :P
49reasons
15 years 3 months ago
Ken
I'm pretty sure you have graduated with honors! :)
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