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Dec 08, 2023
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What You're Doing to Me
Would you miss me
If I disappeared today
Would it even matter
If I let it end this way
When I was a small child
I cried and cried for you
Guess not much changed
I always did, and I still do
Even after everything I've done
Still trying to get your attention
I might as well give up now
Because that's a lifelong mission
You say that you do love me
You say you would die for me
Instead you only see through
All I'm begging for you to see
God, I wish I could stop trying
Just accept that I don't matter
But when I admit it, all you do
Is hug me tight and try to flatter
I get it, ten years is a long time
I understand that you're older
But siblings are supposed to
Be more than a place holder
So I pour out the pain I feel
With my pen I plant this seed
Tears fall onto my keyboard
As I type what you'll never read
I'm trying to make you understand
That I just want you to look and see
I may act fine, but you'll never know
The pain of what you're doing to me
— Shelby Pryor, Dec 08, 2023
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About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem conveys a raw and intimate emotional struggle, exploring themes of longing, neglect, and the complex dynamics of sibling relationships. The voice is candid and vulnerable, which helps readers connect with the speaker’s pain.
Here are some suggestions to deepen the impact and clarity:
1. **Imagery and Specificity:** The poem relies heavily on direct statements of feeling, which effectively communicate the speaker’s emotions but could be enhanced by more vivid, concrete imagery. For example, instead of “Tears fall onto my keyboard,” consider expanding this image to evoke a stronger sensory or symbolic effect—what does the keyboard represent in this moment? The act of writing as a form of release or silent plea?
2. **Structure and Flow:** The poem’s free verse form suits the confessional tone, but some lines could benefit from varied rhythm or line breaks to emphasize key emotions or ideas. For instance, breaking lines at moments of emotional weight can create pauses that allow readers to absorb the depth of feeling.
3. **Tone and Ambiguity:** The poem oscillates between hope and despair, which is compelling. However, the line “You say you do love me / You say you would die for me / Instead you only see through / All I'm begging for you to see” could be clarified. The phrase “see through” might be interpreted as “seeing the surface” or “seeing past” the speaker—consider rephrasing to sharpen the intended meaning.
4. **Ending Impact:** The closing stanza effectively summarizes the speaker’s desire to be seen and understood. To strengthen the ending, consider a more distinct or striking image or metaphor that encapsulates the emotional core, leaving the reader with a resonant final impression.
Overall, the poem’s emotional honesty is its strength. Enhancing the sensory detail and refining phrasing can elevate the reader’s experience and deepen the emotional resonance.
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