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Dec 08, 2023
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What You're Doing to Me
Would you miss me
If I disappeared today
Would it even matter
If I let it end this way
When I was a small child
I cried and cried for you
Guess not much changed
I always did, and I still do
Even after everything I've done
Still trying to get your attention
I might as well give up now
Because that's a lifelong mission
You say that you do love me
You say you would die for me
Instead you only see through
All I'm begging for you to see
God, I wish I could stop trying
Just accept that I don't matter
But when I admit it, all you do
Is hug me tight and try to flatter
I get it, ten years is a long time
I understand that you're older
But siblings are supposed to
Be more than a place holder
So I pour out the pain I feel
With my pen I plant this seed
Tears fall onto my keyboard
As I type what you'll never read
I'm trying to make you understand
That I just want you to look and see
I may act fine, but you'll never know
The pain of what you're doing to me
— Shelby Pryor, Dec 08, 2023
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About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem conveys a deeply emotional and personal struggle with feelings of neglect and longing for recognition, particularly within a familial relationship. The rawness of the speaker’s voice is a strong point, as it invites readers into an intimate space of vulnerability.
To enhance the poem’s impact, consider the following:
1. **Imagery and Specificity:** The poem relies heavily on direct statements of emotion, which are powerful but could be complemented by more vivid, concrete imagery. For example, instead of saying “Tears fall onto my keyboard,” you might explore a metaphor or sensory detail that evokes the emotional weight more uniquely.
2. **Rhythm and Flow:** The poem is written in free verse with a consistent line length, but some lines feel slightly abrupt or uneven in pacing. Reading the poem aloud and adjusting line breaks or word choice could improve its musicality and emotional cadence.
3. **Show, Don’t Tell:** Lines like “I get it, ten years is a long time” and “I understand that you’re older” state facts that might be more impactful if shown through moments or memories that illustrate the passage of time and changes in the relationship.
4. **Tone and Voice Consistency:** The poem shifts between pleading, resignation, and accusation. While this reflects the complexity of the speaker’s feelings, ensuring smooth transitions between these tones can help maintain coherence and deepen emotional resonance.
5. **Ending Strength:** The final stanza effectively summarizes the speaker’s desire to be seen and understood. To leave a stronger impression, consider tightening the language or introducing a striking image that lingers with the reader.
Overall, the poem’s candid exploration of emotional pain is compelling. With refined imagery and attention to rhythm and tone, the poem could evoke an even more powerful response.
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