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May 29, 2023
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I have learnt to fly...
I have learnt to fly,
At last all will come to pass.
He is my wings in this dreary winter. The light that guided the way.
Melodies and lullabies don't shy away when summoned by his harp.
For what am I without breath? For I am a bird awaiting the creator's next step.
Ash to Ash,
Breathe to breathe, Rib to rib, Hence creating a masterpiece.
I'm quiet not because I do not speak, Rather Jehovah raah will speak for me.
— Phaizee, May 29, 2023
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About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem explores themes of transformation, reliance, and spiritual connection, using the metaphor of flight and imagery of creation. The opening line, "I have learnt to fly," sets a tone of empowerment and newfound freedom, which is then deepened by the references to "He" as wings and guiding light. This suggests a relationship of dependence or inspiration, possibly divine or deeply personal.
The imagery of "melodies and lullabies" summoned by a harp adds a lyrical, almost sacred quality, reinforcing the spiritual undertone. The rhetorical question "For what am I without breath?" effectively conveys vulnerability and the necessity of a life-giving force, which is then expanded with the metaphor of a bird awaiting its creator’s next step. This evokes a sense of anticipation and humility.
The stanza "Ash to Ash, Breathe to breathe, Rib to rib, Hence creating a masterpiece" is evocative, linking elemental and biblical references to the act of creation. The rhythm here is strong, though the phrase "Hence creating a masterpiece" feels slightly abrupt and might benefit from rephrasing for smoother flow or deeper integration with the preceding lines.
The closing lines, "I'm quiet not because I do not speak, Rather Jehovah raah will speak for me," introduce a direct spiritual reference, with "Jehovah raah" (the Lord is my shepherd) emphasizing faith and divine guidance. This ending grounds the poem’s themes in a specific religious context, which may resonate deeply with some readers.
Considerations for revision: - Clarify the relationship between the speaker and "He" early on to strengthen emotional impact. - Explore varying the sentence structure or line breaks to enhance rhythm and pacing, especially in the third and fourth stanzas. - The phrase "At last all will come to pass" could be more specific or vivid to heighten anticipation. - The poem’s tone shifts between personal and spiritual; balancing these elements more evenly might create a more cohesive voice.
Overall, the poem effectively uses metaphor and spiritual imagery to convey a journey toward empowerment and faith, but refining certain phrases and structural elements could deepen its resonance and clarity.
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Obadiah Grey
3 years ago
Having read most of your back
Having read most of your back catalogue,
you seem have a talent for metaphor and allegory,
I enjoyed this, and others of yours.
Obi.
Phaizee
3 years ago
Thank you very much! This is
Thank you very much! This is motivating!