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May 26, 2023
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Season of Sorrow
When the love I lost had left me by that savage, sapphire sea.
And the turning tides had told me that no longer she loved me.
I went working, for the season, with Steve Sorrow, my best friend.
For I knew, that love and loving, had for me, now reached an end.
We went selling, up in Bispham, windows, working for John Cash.
He was stout, but he seemed savvy, wore a suit and black moustache.
Work was easy, Johnny told us, windows almost sell themselves.
Steve said: “I am not convinced, I’d rather we were stacking shelves.”
Double glazing wasn’t selling, Cash then had to let us go.
Steve said we should just go fishing, for some females; I said no.
Then I said, “there’s no one for me, living on this island, earth.
Let’s go drinking, down at Jenk’s Bar, juicy jars of merry mirth.”
When we’d poured away our earnings, we leaned hard on Christian Aid.
Stole their gifts from pouch and pocket. Then Steve said, “we’ve got it made!”
Steve then found us work as Key Men, for Joe Coral, on the Mile.
(Blackpool's empty, fake Arcadia, soulless stretch of gold so vile.)
Two months in, we both got fired: thieving money from machines;
we ‘fessed up and said, “we’re sorry, thieving’s kind of in our genes.”
Took a tram, at dawn, up North Shore, sun was rising o’er the sea.
I told Steve, “I have no future, if she won’t come back to me!”
And I fed him my suspicions, told him ‘bout her poisoned mind
made up by her mum and daddy, creatures cruel and so unkind.
He just nodded, ‘cause he knew me, knew that I was killing time
waiting on the god of battles to reverse their cosmic crime!
All my heart I bared before him, as each scarred and shattered shard
cried for vengeance, on those parents, cursed with hearts stone cold and hard.
And this was how I spent that season: grieving by that sapphire sea.
Life was drained of rhyme and reason; she had been my symmetry!
Summer lingered, but the breezes all blew bitter down the pier.
Was then I said to my friend, Sorrow: “what the hell we doing here?”
— Blue-eyed Bolla, May 26, 2023
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About This Poem
Last Few Words: a tale of lost love
Review Request Direction:
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Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem presents a narrative of loss, friendship, and existential questioning, set against the backdrop of a coastal town. The use of a consistent rhyme scheme and rhythm lends a ballad-like quality, which suits the storytelling aspect well.
Strengths: - The vivid setting, particularly the "savage, sapphire sea," effectively evokes mood and place. - The character names (Steve Sorrow, John Cash) add a layer of symbolic resonance, reinforcing themes of melancholy and materialism. - The progression from heartbreak through various jobs to a final moment of reflection creates a clear emotional arc.
Areas for improvement: 1. **Tone and Consistency:** At times, the tone shifts between colloquial and formal ("’fessed up," "juicy jars of merry mirth"), which can be jarring. Consider smoothing these transitions to maintain a cohesive voice. 2. **Imagery and Originality:** Some images (e.g., "life was drained of rhyme and reason," "scarred and shattered shard") are familiar poetic clichés. Introducing more unique or concrete imagery could deepen the emotional impact. 3. **Pacing:** The poem covers many events in a relatively short space, which can make the narrative feel rushed. Expanding on key moments—such as the protagonist’s internal struggle or the friendship dynamics—might enhance reader engagement. 4. **Clarity of Themes:** The poem touches on themes of love lost, economic hardship, and betrayal, but some lines (e.g., stealing from Christian Aid, thieving from machines) could benefit from clearer motivation or emotional context to avoid confusion or unintended moral ambiguity.
Overall, focusing on refining the voice, enriching imagery, and deepening character exploration could strengthen the poem’s emotional resonance and narrative clarity.
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Lavender
2 years 11 months ago
Season of Sorrow
Great rhyme and rhythm - felt almost like a sailor's tale aboard a beloved ship. Enjoyed reading this!
L